Write for Advice
I have been reading your column, particularly your relationship advice for so long that sometimes the stories mirror my own hopelessly romantic life with such accuracy I’m convinced a significant other wrote it. Thank you for sharing your insight in these instances; I can rest a little easier knowing I’m not alone in my quest to understand the complexities of relationships and the abundance of feelings that come with it .
I’d like to take the moment to tell you a story. There’s a woman I’ve known for some time. A few months ago I decided to pull the trigger and be more than friends with her. She is everything that I would look for in a long-term relationship: intelligent, success-driven, affectionate and genuine about her feelings. We connect on many levels, share many similar interests and aspire to the same goals. When we’re together, I feel like the luckiest guy on earth.
But that’s not to say it’s all perfect. There is also a side of her often leaves me anxious and frustrated. I’m no angel and being friends for so long, she’s well aware of my past misgivings. Her trust issues and insecurities over my willingness to commit to one woman have put me in a limbo between just dating and a committed relationship. The other “main” reasons she gives are: not knowing exactly what she wants in the long run, a former love interest she can’t seem to get over and her fear of falling in love and experiencing heartbreak again.
This has led me to wild emotional goose chase to prove myself to her. I have repeatedly attempted to put her fears to rest. I’ve told her my intentions, opened myself honestly to her questions about my past and have been patient through it all. Still, no dice. Her insecurities have damaged some of my friendships and are constantly putting a strain on our relationship. Combined with her family’s constant involvement (they actually love me, which makes her even more anxious), I’m beginning to doubt if this is what I want.
Cary, what should I do? I’m in no rush to settle, but there is a strong desire for some stability at this point in my life. I genuinely like her and I might even be in love with her (that’s a whole other story). How do I explain that holding off on me while holding unto the past only makes me more apprehensive about our future? How else can I show her I’m “for real, for real” about what we have? How can I get her to let me in and trust me just enough to continue to grow and build our relationship? Or should I just move on? I feel that taking a laid-back approach forces me to just settle with whatever I’m given, and for me that’s a deal breaker. I’d hate to walk away from it all, but I’d even more hate to know I’m wasting my time.
Dear In Limbo,
The traditional—and quite effective—solution to the kind of limbo you describe is to ask her to marry you.
That is how you say you’re for real for real, you’re in it for the long haul, you’re not the man you used to be. That is how you say you’re not kidding around and you’re willing to risk not only that unendurable moment after you ask her when she sits back in her chair and gets a cloudy look in her eyes and the thought crosses your mind that she’s about to say no and you’re about to be humiliated, but also the following however many umpteen millions of years that represent the rest of your life.
It’s also how you get her to let you in and trust you enough to continue and grow and build the relationship. You may be thinking that if the relationship would only grow and build then you would be ready for commitment. But it’s the other way around. The relationship grows and builds because you make the conscious choice of commitment. Trust develops because you consciously create the conditions for trust. You don’t wait for the relationship to build. You build it.
Asking her to marry you is also a test for you. If you find that you’re not willing to ask her to marry you, it means she’s not crazy for having her doubts. Certainty doesn’t always come. You have to live with uncertainty and risk something dear to you. You have to take a chance.