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Cary’s classic column Tuesday, NOV 4, 2003 10:29 AM PST
I had a crush on a colleague, and now she wants to be friends, but I don’t. How do I get rid of her?
Dear Cary,
I’m a Salon reader from Mexico and I enjoy reading your column very much. Now I need your advice.
I am a medical doctor and there is a colleague of mine I had a big crush on, but circumstances have not been appropriate for me to try to “advance” the relationship (she had a boyfriend at first, then she was out of the country for some time).
When I finally started — rather softly — to make a move, she started working with another doctor, 10 years her senior. Obviously he snatched her. Now, I am not really hurt nor do I have any remorse or hatred. It was just a crush. I was not in love or anything. It was not meant to be, and I am over it already. But she wants to keep being my friend. She seems to be completely clueless about my feelings. I don’t want to keep being her friend. I don’t loathe her; I just don’t want to be around her anymore. But I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to face her because I know I would end up saying more things than I would rationally think convenient.
I have tried to be evasive, tried to drive her away in a “passive way.” But she is still there. What should I do? How do I get rid of her (in a smooth way)?
Tired of Being Nice
Dear Tired,
When beings are denied privileges solely because of attributes over which they have no control, such as whether they are women or men, or white or black, or human or animal, it is sometimes called “objectification.” What that means, I think, is that the one who has the power is free to act as though no bona fide relationship exists with the other, as though there is no bond of reciprocity, as though the other were a piece of furniture or a magazine, to be used without regard for its feelings or mental processes.
That sort of objectification is what your letter hints at, and it is that habit of being that you need to address. The tragedy of such a habit is that it walls off a rich and rewarding realm of human bonds, in which we trade some of our power and autonomy for a sense of community and trust.
“Obviously he snatched her,” you say. That makes it sound as though women are routinely handed around from doctor to doctor like so many copies of Playboy, to be privately enjoyed and then passed on. If so, there is a certain ethical inequality in your workplace, a kind of gender discrimination. I’m not saying it’s the kind of thing you can fix, but it’s the kind of thing you, as a doctor, should recognize as poison and avoid in your personal dealings.
I think you really did have feelings for her. You say you were not hurt, that it was just a crush. Regardless, you do not have the right to smooth this over and make it go away just because it is inconvenient for you.
You have probably spent most of your youth studying the medical sciences, looking for ways to control disease and analyze chemical and biological processes. So you may not have had much time to study how human communities function. But I think you will be much happier in life once you understand this: You have entered into a relationship with this woman already. In a moral sense, you do not have the right to simply, “in a smooth way,” get rid of her. You owe her the truth: That you were interested in her not as a friend but as an amorous companion, and now that the possibility of such a relationship seems remote, you are disappointed and it is painful to be around her.
What she then does with this truth is her concern, not yours. The reason we tell each other the truth is that we want to maximize personal freedom: The more truth someone knows, the better she can make the best decisions for herself. It’s true in medicine, and it’s true in relationships.
If it helps in preparing your speech, conceptualize it this way: You have some bad news to deliver to her. Deliver it like a doctor. Tell her the facts. Tell her what her likelihood of recovery is and explain her treatment options. Tell her the condition is curable and not fatal.
But please do not tell her that simply because it sounds good. Tell her the truth. And if you should say more things than you would “rationally think convenient,” there’s no shame in that. There’s no shame in having strong feelings for someone, or in feeling disappointed or spurned. It’s part of being a man.
LW, I’m not angry at you. Where others have seen privilege, I see avoidance of pain. But surely, as a medical professional, you know that avoidance of pain is not a good strategy for a healthy life. Pain is real, and it exists for valid reasons. The child quickly learns to avoid pain; the adult slowly realizes that sometimes facing a pain and working our way through it is less painful in the long run. It would not be an imposition if you told this woman that you have always been attracted to her and that you are disappointed that you’ve never had the chance to explore that attraction. Then, you apologize for the awkwardness and walk away.
If there is such a thing as the “friend zone”, it exists not because women treat men poorly. It exists because men do not easily express their intentions and do not accept reality when presented with it. Don’t be in the “friend zone”. Be open and honest, and move on. If a friendship with this woman is possible, it has to be based on the mutual understanding that you are attracted and she is not available. Actually, there is nothing wrong with such friendships. Hell, I have several such. (Okay, I am not available, either, but still…) Such friendships can be quite enjoyable as long as you don’t confuse your wants with her intentions.
Well said. It is so good to read you again, Ray.
He stated he is in Mexico. That’s a different culture-a macho culture. He prolly does objectify women.
J-E-R-K spells jerk. It would be doing her a favor for him to disappear from her life. Sheesh.