Dear Cary,
I’m a young woman who moved to the US a few years ago to do my PhD (I am currently in another country for a post-doc). I’m in a very difficult situation, I feel so desperate and depressed, like there’s no way out. For more than 2 years I have been in a relationship with a married man, who was my PhD advisor (I eventually switched advisors so that he wouldn’t have to write a letter of recommendation for me to find a job or be involved in my thesis committee). I don’t excuse myself and I know most people would judge me very harshly, and I do too. The guilt that I feel has brought me to dark places I never imagined existed in me, I know the way things happened is wrong, no matter how much love there is. I felt, at the time, as if I had no power to control the feelings I was starting to feel. The connection between him and I was growing every day without us being able to control it, and this was taking me with it. I felt powerless, drowning into something much bigger than me, that was already destroying my self worth. Even though I felt overwhelmed and powerless by my feelings, and I felt as if I had no choice, I do know I had a choice, and I did not handle it well. Being in this situation has crushed my self esteem and sense of worth. I’m drowning, this is all I can think of during the day and is affecting my health, my mind, my whole life.
For a part of the year he doesn’t live with his wife and we video chat for hours and hours every day, and I travel to see him whenever I can, even going to a different country about once a month, when we live like we were married, only to have to deal with the pain of his absence when he leaves. I’m extremely attached and I drop anything to just talk to him – I stopped doing things to be available to talk to him when he can. I know we have an incredible bond and in his way he loves me deeply, but he has been unable to separate. He’s afraid of hurting his wife even more (she never found proof of the extent of our relationship, but she knows), there’s the effect this might have on his kids (who are not young anymore, but of course this is big), the financial burden of a divorce and how that would affect people’s perception of him. I try to be understanding but living in this situation has been heart breaking for me too.
I love him deeply but I am also worried about how our future would be. There are moments when he gets emotionally abusive and angry and that devastates me. He crushes me with words, also professionally. He’s very possessive and I feel like I have to be careful with everything that I talk to him about and how I say things. He’s much older than me and I worry he’ll get even more possessive as time passes. The fact that we still have work projects together (even after I finished my PhD) makes everything so much more complicated. Our relationship already had a big impact on my professional life, which is just starting, and I’m worried how things will affect it even more, no matter what turn they take. I can’t focus on anything, let alone work efficiently. He is uncomfortable with me working with other people, I feel like I depend on him so much and that he could destroy my life if he wanted.
Last month I was with him when I got sick. Initially we thought I just had a flu, but my fever didn’t improve as the days went by. He treated me in a horrible way, he got upset because “I ruined the trip”, we couldn’t have sex and I couldn’t help clean the house. He treated me with such contempt and so much anger, he was upset when I asked him for a blanket when I was shivering, he didn’t offer to get any medicine for me or even ask how I was feeling. I’ve never felt so vulnerable. The last day he said he couldn’t wait for me to leave because I am a pain in the ass and he couldn’t stand me like that. When I found out what I have (it’s a virus that will go away on its own, and I’m finally well now after one month) he got out of his mind, repeating “I did this” to him. He blamed me for potentially passing this virus to him, even though it was not my fault I got sick. He couldn’t care less how I felt, he just blamed me and worried about himself. A bit after that I had to move to another city and during this process my car was broken into and half of my belongings were stolen. He keeps repeating to me he wishes I had been more careful, because now he has to deal with me upset about what happened. I can’t believe the man I love so much can say and do these things. It makes me question whether it is not my fault, if I was overbearing, if it’s the situation that’s making him act this way.
Most people would say I’m a pretty, very intelligent young woman, and there are plenty of interesting guys who want to date me, but I can’t bring myself to end things with him (at least until he sorts out what he wants to do). Even after what happened last month, I am still terrified of breaking up with him. I’m so afraid of him, of what he might do to me professionally, of his anger and his reaction, of the horrible things he says, and I feel so much guilt and sadness for everything.
I’m really lost, I don’t know what to do and I’m in desperate need of some advice.
Thank you,
Lost
Dear Lost,
At first, when reading your letter, I was forming a picture of two flawed adults who have fallen in love in less-than ideal circumstances and are just going to have to make the best of it. Then my sense of it changed when you described his behavior when you got sick. I now think you are in an abusive, dangerous relationship and you need to leave.
I cannot diagnose people. But I can recognize patterns. The patterns here are those of a predatory man taking advantage of his political, social and economic privilege to get what he wants from a weaker partner while protecting his own professional, political and family privileges. That alone is enough to suggest that you must leave. His anger and lack of compassion add an element of danger to the mix, indicating that not only should you leave, but you should leave now.
There are too many areas of asymmetrical power here. Let’s just briefly name the major ones:
Age disparity
Gender Disparity
Power and status disparity
Marital status disparity
All those could, of course, be overcome by two partners of mutual goodwill. But in this case, he is using those factors to his advantage without regard for your well being.
If you cannot leave him on your own then you need the help of a paid advocate. Locate a good marriage and family therapist, psychotherapist or psychologist and explain that you need support and guidance in leaving a destructive relationship. Make it clear that you are not seeking help in deciding what to do, that you have decided what to do and only need help and support in carrying it out.
Do it. It may save your life.
LW,
What you need to know is that this man is a malignant narcissist, maybe even a psychopath. Please study up on malignant narcissism and psychopathy. If you do, you will find that one of the skill sets of narcissists is to be flattering, charming, dazzling, intoxicating , and all-around brilliant, when they want to be, which is always in service of something they want. Malignant narcissists are chameleons who present themselves as mirrors of their victims, making theme shelves appear to be your soul mate. That is because they have no real sense of themselves and even they, themselves, believe this lie at first.
But everything goes sour as soon as the truth dawns that you are not who they made you out to be. They cannot feel any feelings, other than their own, which they feel with astounding intensity. They are incapable of empathy and they cannot change because they cannot recognize their condition since they live in an impenetrable bubble of self-reference. Once under their sway, they seem absolutely irreplaceable in your life. That is part of their condition, to appear irreplaceable. You must run for your life at all cost. Otherwise, this will end only one way: With the total destruction of your personhood which surely is a greater cost than anything you now imagine losing.
Plan to run by building a support network with others who became victims of malignant narcissists and psychopaths. Reach out via the internet. They will be eager to help you.
Educate yourself thoroughly so you don’t make a hairpin u-turn when the pain of separation comes crashing in.
Then RUN.
India, you said it all perfectly.
LW, a very similar thing happened to me when I was getting my PhD (though the man was not my advisor, and he was not married.) I was drawn to his confidence, his charisma, his charm…and he told me the things I most badly wanted to hear (that I was, indeed, smart and good at my work.) It was an unbelievably passionate love affair, and I was happy beyond my wildest dreams. Until the day I realized he had turned on me. I was no longer wonderful in his eyes; I was the cause of his problems. I was blamed for everything. I was criticized and brought to tears on a daily basis. He was controlling beyond belief. It was like being held underwater. But of course, he still loved me, “in spite of all my faults.” My self-esteem plummeted. I believed him when he said no one else would ever put up with me. That I was crazy. When I finally realized that it was emotional abuse, I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I was a smart, attractive, educated woman! How does a woman like that let herself be abused? Surely it wasn’t all that bad, or she wouldn’t have stayed. In fact, I bet she probably *was* the problem. I bet she’s making most of it up.
It took me a long while to leave, even after I knew I had to. It ended very badly, with him physically lashing out and then stalking me for a while. But eventually he got bored of me not giving him what he wanted. It took time to cut our professional ties, but it was so worth it. He’s still working in my field, but I avoid him.
RUN. RUN FAST. RUN FAR.
Reading this letter was an odd experience. As Cary says, at the start it’s a tale of romance and then it becomes a tale of abuse. I want to assure the LW there is absolutely nothing unusual or dissonant about this, and the sooner the LW accepts this the better. Yes you can love someone who is awful to you. Yes, you can feel like you need the person who is most toxic to you. You can make this work to your advantage. You can love the person you leave. You can yearn for the person you cut off all contact with. Accept you feel ambivalently about this person and it will become much easier to make and stick by your decisions.
As I read one thing struck me that has often struck me. You would think there were no other fish in the sea. You would think there were no other men you might love to choose from, from the way you’re speaking about him. You need to realise this very little to do with him and everything to do with how passionately you, LW, love someone. How strongly you attach and how hard to impossible you find it to let go. Make this work for you by choosing carefully next time, and use all that passion and loyalty to create a wonderful relationship for your future partner and you. But choose carefully. Very very carefully.
I agree with what Cary says. This man is controlling and dangerous. It strikes me, though, that you may have found your own way out. He has no patience for you when you do not meet his needs on demand. So don’t. Be sick more often. Perhaps you have some sort of fatiguing condition that makes it impossible for you to exert yourself. This virus that you had, maybe it never quite goes away and you wear out his patience and goodwill by simply being sadly unable to accommodate him.
In other words, if you become a poor source of supply for him, he will tire of you. If he tires of you, the end could come at his insistence. This would be a good thing. Obviously, he likes to be in control. Him cutting you off would not be damaging to his ego the way that you cutting him off would be. He maintains the happy illusion of dominance. You get out.
But first, you have to be steady in your own heart and for that a good therapist is the place to start. You could even lie about the therapy and tell him you are desperately trying to get to the source of your health problems. I guarantee he will accuse you of being mentally unstable once you stop accommodating him, so the therapy should fit right in.
I quite agree with Cary. Lost, this man does not care about you at all. He only cares about what he can get out of you – pleasure, companionship, sex. He doesn’t care how you feel or what you want. The fact that he is abusive is what you should focus on. That is not the kind of person you deserve to be with. Take hold of your heart and let your head lead this time – get away, now, while you can. Try not to worry too much about what he can do to you professionally; he will not want his actions made public. Take care of yourself and get away.