A bohemian in the Cheesecake Factory

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I’m an INFJ working undercover at JCrew/Abercrombie/Banana Republic/Sephora/Barneys/Apple/Eddie Bauer Town

Cary’s classic column from Tuesday, Dec 7, 2010

Dear Cary,

I’m a worldly, well-traveled, experienced and vibrant woman, still young (age 55), I have a wide network of interesting friends, a talented, caring and loving husband and a young adult daughter (who I raised alone) who is holding her own and doing well. I was blessed (I guess) with physical beauty and I have a strong and elegant personal style. I was fortunate to retire with a full pension almost two years ago and set upon a life of leisure while pursuing my art as an avocation, have held two successful gallery exhibits and produced a book as well, which has been very well received in my Rust Belt American city. I am an INFJ, if that tells you anything. The most marked characteristic to me is that we are only 3 percent of the population.

I consider myself to be very strong and am a survivor. I won’t go into my past except to say it included a measure of poverty, violence, loneliness and estrangement from family.

All of that has been long worked out. I truly believe that I am firmly on the path of being the woman I would have wanted to be when I was younger and full of doubt, avoidance, fear and uncertainty.
I believe those are traits that I still have — they are human traits, after all — and even when I feel overwhelmed by such emotions I am able to put them into context and move on.

I recently began working again, part-time, at a small retail establishment that is a corporate entity of her sister stores. It’s located in an affluent suburb in a pretty little shopping district that was built for just this purpose: retail. A pretty, little fake town with nice shops selling expensive goods: This is how the shopping district is set up. It’s pleasant and pretty and in my view it’s all pretend. Or it’s not. It’s all about marketing and spending money and capitalism. It is fascinating and when I go to work I feel as though I’m a cultural anthropologist visiting JCrew/Abercrombie/Banana Republic/Cheesecake Factory/Sephora/Barneys/Apple/Eddie Bauer/Brooks Brothers Town.

I see this as an opportunity for personal growth in getting along with people, especially women. In my real world the people I know are bohemian, earthy, acerbic, witty, creative, artsy and outrageous. My new work world is not like that. I feel that my challenge will be in honing my skill at interpersonal relationships. I have always been a square peg in a round hole, even among the boho crowd. I’m good with that. However, I am concerned about workplace relationships. The woman who hired me is lovely. I’m not worried about my boss, I’m worried about getting along with co-workers, all women.

I want to fit in, without fitting in, if you know what I mean. Already I am trying to squelch my internal critical dialogue of what I observe around me. I am also blessed (I guess) with the ability to see scenarios as they really are and to see people as they really are, i.e., I’m perceptive. Sometimes this makes me judgmental and I internalize that dialogue. I am now in an environment where my wry observations, sardonic wit and sarcastic barbs would most definitely not be well received.

I can control myself, no problem. My challenge is to learn to internalize acceptance of what I find to be icky: namely, entitled, outer-ring suburban McMansion, probably racist, certainly Republican (that is the demographic of the area), greedy, hypocritical and clueless. See, already I’m sounding harsh. How do I stop?

I really appreciate this job, even though the hours and wages are meager, because I believe it is giving me a valuable opportunity in navigating interpersonal relationships, including honing the art of diplomacy. These would be skills that I could apply in many different places for the rest of my life. How do I not fuck it up?

The Outsider

Dear Outsider,

They’ll assume you’re one of them until you bring in a painting.

So don’t bring in a painting. Keep the paintings in the trunk of your normal automobile, which they’ve seen you drive up in.

Don’t pose as normal, though. Pose as eccentric in a normal automobile. If you pose as normal they’ll know right off you’re weird. If you pose as eccentric but they see the normal automobile, they will believe the normal automobile.

You can’t fake normal.

It may be idiocy but it’s a finely calibrated idiocy you cannot fake. Look at Sarah Palin.

They’ve got too much experience. They’re like native French speakers.

It would be better if you rode bulls and drove stock cars. But your eccentricities can work. You can pose as the rebel insider.

You can do this easily. Just pretend. Keep in mind that you don’t have to hide everything; some of your activities will seem interesting to them until they learn enough to be confused.

Because you don’t belong, you’re going to work hard to appear to belong. Because you are skilled at appearing to belong, and because you are analytical and thoughtful, and because you know you are an outsider, you may appear to belong more than those who actually do belong.

This is the drama of the outsider.

Your difference makes a difference. But the difference to them is not as great as the difference to you.

You think they notice but they don’t. You think they know because to you it’s so friggin’ obvious. But they have not been issued a clue. They were not issued a clue and are not aware that a clue is available free on the Internet or at any public library.

So they will be astonished to find you’re not staying for life. “Oh, but you fit in so well here!” your boss will say, giving unconscious voice to the doubts that were there all along.

You will be mystified by their inability to see through your ruse.

One danger in giving this performance of fitting in is that you may appear weak. Someone may try to manipulate or bully you. That’s where the bull-riding story comes in. Or the story where you slit someone’s throat. Or a cop in the family. Some drama of throat-slitting or bull-riding will be a prophylaxis. It will sound eccentric, but since it’s violent, it’s permitted. That’s also where protection comes in.

Did I mention this is prison?

In prison you find a buddy. Figure out who has the power and make that person your buddy. Then, even if they do figure out that you don’t belong there, you’ll be protected.

4 comments

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  • Just because you are an INFJ does not give you an excuse to not have really matured and developed genuine compassion for humanity. How dare you use your personality type to try and come across as superior to everyone else? I am also an INFJ but as days go by and more spiritual unfolding happens, I realize how little it really means to be this type or that type. So please get over yourself. If you can’t and maybe you really are in pain, then I suggest you seriously look inwards. You will find your answers within. There is a dimension greater than MBTI category. I hope you find it.

  • I think this LW was very honest about her feelings. She didn’t think it was ok to feel condescending toward her co-workers, and wanted help to be a better person.

    I wonder what she learned there.

  • She was very condescending.
    And I’m not sure I understand her – she wants to fit in but dislikes them.
    So – speaking as a female INTJ – if you want to “fit in”:
    1) Get over yourself. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So is perception so there really isn’t such thing as “seeing things as they really are.” I have a “talent” for seeing people’s dark side (eg I recognized the LW’s monster size ego immediately) but that doesn’t mean the more surface image isn’t real, too. It is. It’s just another layer.
    2) Realize that whatever got these people to where they are doesn’t make them bad – after all, you are in the same place. Are you as bad as them? No? Well maybe they aren’t so bad either. You are as concerned about outer appearance as them – you just pick a different costume. Emphasize the sameness, not the differences and you’ll get along much better.
    3) Get over caring about fitting in. It’s pathetic. I’m willing to bet many of those women you look down upon got over that about junior high.

  • You know what everyone needs to remember? People are people.

    Our “bohemian” LW is quick to judge everyone in her exotic new environment as “entitled” and “racist”–and while this may be true for some, or even many, I am sure it doesn’t apply to all.

    So maybe the bulk of that new crowd has some money and they live in big houses and drive new cars. Well, maybe there is more to some of these individuals than first meets the eye.

    I’m willing to bet that everyone of those individuals has a unique life story, and it’s not all shiny and rosy. I bet a lot of those people came from very different places, both geographical and psychological, and are terrified by thought of losing it all and falling way back down to where they came from.

    I bet some of them aren’t even the shallow, vacuous, empty-headed consumerists LW thinks they all are–quite possibly there may be potential good friends here, albeit different than the “bohemians” that LW is used to, but friends nonetheless who could actually have some depth of emotion and experience that LW never would have guessed possible.

    If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that people are full of surprises. Everyone comes from somewhere. A lot of people are hurting, and a lot of them are full of fear and feel powerless, even when they present a shiny, cheerful outer self to get through their day.

    Many people who LW might dismiss for being “materialistic” may have roots in desperately poor circumstances. I grew up in an oil boomtown, where formerly near-destitute people from all over had an opportunity to make a lot of money in a very short time. Some people used this opportunity to improve their lives, and did very well for themselves and their families, while others used it to ruin their lives. I’ve seen all the good, and all the bad that money can do. Money itself is only a means to an end–it doesn’t make a person inherently bad or good.

    I find the LW’s tone a bit condescending. Yes, this is a different kind of experience than she’s used to. It may be nothing more than an oddball detour in her life. But she needs to remember that behind all the fakeness in that commercial town, there are real human beings trying to build a life for themselves.

    LW needs to make sure that she recognizes that while the stage set she works in may be fake, like Disneyland, the people working there are still authentic human beings who have their own experience and point of view, and who should be treated with respect–not as amusing little bit players in the background of LW’s personal stage play.

By Cary Tennis

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