I’m 38 and want kids, but the men I’m dating don’t

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Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, OCT 11, 2005

Since divorce, life has been pretty swell, but now I want to settle down and be a mom.


Dear Cary,

I was violently thrust into the dating inferno after my divorce nearly six years ago. During that time I’ve run the gamut of interactions: everything from being played like a plastic Flutophone to having a couple of semi-rewarding, longish-term relationships to enjoying a few purely physical hookups.

During my period of self-actualization I’ve done the following:

Gotten a shitload of therapy

Realized creative dreams of writing and getting published

Learned how to parallel park on steep hills (on the left side)

Amassed a huge network of fabulous friends

Made peace with my ex-husband

Learned French

Got promoted and learned to accept, if not fully embrace, working for the Man

Traveled

Turned my ex-boyfriends into great friends

Learned to love yoga in 120 degree temperatures

According to the post-divorce survival guide, I’ve done everything correctly, yet I still can’t figure out why I’m approaching 38 and single. I have no problem getting dates, but finding someone who will, well, stick in this city has been problematic.

So, here’s my question. Lately I’ve found that the wonderful men who have been wanting to date me don’t want children. Either they’ve had their chickens or their need to create is sublimated by their artistic passions. I am still passionate about having kids. So, Cary, do I need to grow up and accept the fact that having kids may not be in the cards for me and allow myself to yield to these men who woo? Does it make sense to get attached to someone who isn’t on the same page? At what age does a woman throw in the towel? I’ve entertained having my own child, but lack of money and familial support make this a nearly impossible option.

Still Holding the Towel

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Dear Still Holding the Towel,

If having children is truly, absolutely, positively, without a doubt the one thing you most want to do above all other things, then you will have to make some major life choices, and quickly.

So please ask yourself how badly you want to have children. It isn’t enough to say you want it really, really badly. The question is, what are you willing to give up? Do you want it badly enough to give up living where you live and working where you work? Do you want it badly enough to compromise on the kind of man you raise those children with?

Or do you want to continue living in the city you love, working the job you have learned to appreciate, but just add a fabulous husband and a child or two — and perhaps a larger residence to accommodate the extra people?

If you’re willing to make significant sacrifices, and you start immediately, perhaps you can find a man, and a new home, and a new job, and get pregnant and raise some children.

But if you want to keep what you have and simply add some beautiful kids and a great husband, I would say the chances of getting all that are considerably slimmer.

So which is better? The fabulous life you have now, or the life you might have if you sacrificed what you have for what you want? It’s a matter of great unknowns and probabilities.

The situation is made more acute, of course, by your age. You are already well past prime childbearing age. You’re 38.

It’s not as though you’ve wasted these years. You’ve had a fabulous time. You could not have had this fabulous time if you’d been raising kids. Nevertheless, inexorable time has crept up, lessening your chances of conceiving.

We make choices.

So these are the two choices as I see them: 1) Devote everything you have to your one goal of getting married and having kids, which means being willing to compromise on everything else — job, city, man. Or 2) Devote substantially more energy than you already are devoting to the problem, but retain those elements of your life that you already know make you happy. That way, you may win the lottery and get everything you want, but if not, you have not given up so much.

My conservative bet would be on No. 2. Because even if you gave up everything you love to pursue the goal of getting married and having kids, there’s a reasonable chance that you would rush into something with the wrong man in the wrong town and the wrong job, and you’d be miserable, and you would have given up what you had. So the potential downside is considerably steeper; also, you might find that having children does not make you as happy as you thought it would.

So I suggest you stay in the city but narrow your dating, focus it only on men who want to get married and have kids. Put 100 percent of your effort behind that. Weed out the rest.

You may very well find a great man and get married and get pregnant and have some wonderful healthy kids and live happily ever after. Or you might adopt some kids. Or you might fall in love with a man who already has some kids. Or you might just enjoy your life as it is.

Believe me, not having kids is not the end of the world. For some people, in fact, it’s more like the beginning.

Cary Tennis Newsletter Sign Up

4 comments

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  • I was in the same situation and opted for choice number one. I moved from a metropolis to a small town, left my crazy, artsy friends and a more interesting professional environment to be with my husband and to have a child with him. Why do I not regret it? Because I really, really wanted a family and I was intellectually fulfilled, but not emotionally. My life used to be carefree and full of parties, art exhibitions, film premieres, lazy Sundays and travel to exotic locations. But there were also a lot of lonely Sundays, lonely evenings, feelings of helplessness when I was sick and no one could go to the drugstore for me, feeling lost and alienated, and not really being able to enjoy my freedom, because – let’s face it – the older you get, the more other people are paired off and have kids and just don’t have as much time to go to art galleries and brunches anymore.

    Now my life is trips to the mountains, camp fires, farm vacations, long walks in the woods, kiddie art projects, baking cakes and cookies and flying kites – and a lot more responsibility. I sometimes miss the old days, the “wildness”, the unpredictability – but when I was living it, the older I got, the more shallow and dull and empty it began to feel. I am very glad I didn’t continue like that. I believe there is space for more than one lifestyle in a lifetime and that there is a time for different kinds of experiences at different stages of your life. So I think the key question is not only: How much are you willing to give up but also: Would you be happy with your life if it continues as is, or would you feel like you are stagnating? If you feel like you are ready for something else, you should definitely act on that. Of course you need fate to be on your side as well, I was lucky to have met my husband when I was 38 – “right in the nick of time”. But I also do believe that I was “ready” for him, i.e. if you yourself are clear on what you want for the rest of your life, you won’t longer be asking what kind of man you should date – you will know and that’s the kind of man you will be attracted to.

  • Gurl. I am in the same boat. I have profiles on Tiinder OkCupid and match.com that all explicitly say that I want to have kids so I don’t even go out on dates with guys who don’t want to have kids. I like online dating because they can’t hear my ovaries screaming thru my phone.

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