Category

Death and Dying

Quarantined at Dad’s deathbed: Too much loss all at once

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Dear Cary, Thanks for writing about grief. I’ve been grieving too, and any interpretation of grief helps me feel connected. I hope your lungs feel full of air for however you grieve. Telling stories or wailing that losses are always unfair or cycling uphill or laughing at a broken cup. I wonder what you think about change and upheaval. How do we put back together relationships strained by...

My mom left my dad in a nursing home and lied about his chances of coming home

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Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, AUG 22, 2008 02:50 AM PDT He thought he’d be returning home to die. But she just strung him along until he was gone. Dear Cary: My elderly father had been ill. After improving, he went directly from the hospital into a nursing home. We never told him he was never coming home. My mother said keeping up some sort of illusion of his eventual return was a way to...

My Southern grandmother is dying, and I don’t want to go back

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  Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, JUL 13, 2007 I finally escaped the deadly web of small-town Southern life. But it keeps pulling on me! Dear Cary, My grandmother is dying. I grew up in the deep South, so of course, there are a lot of obligations that go with having a dying grandmother. Especially when said grandmother is a pillar of the community. Luckily for me, I live in Oregon, so I...

Why did you skip the funeral?

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  Cary’s classic column from Monday, Aug 23, 2010 A tragic death among deeply close friends: Her burial was like a ghost town Dear Cary, I want to say, first of all, that I am so happy to hear of your recovery. I always look forward to reading your thoughtful responses to letters. I have, perhaps, many things I’d like to ask for advice about but for now I will get to the most pressing and...

My next-door neighbor died and I didn’t do a thing

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[button link=”mailto:advice@carytennis.com” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAR 29, 2006 Am I a terrible person, or just a normal American? Dear Cary, Before I begin, I want to preface this by explaining that by nature, I’m a fairly shy person. I hate calling people, I hate confrontation; I prefer to keep to myself. It takes...

It’s a beautiful day and I’m happy to be alive

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Dear Reader, Today is Wednesday. Wednesday is advice-column-writing day. Usually I write a column by answering a letter from someone looking for advice. Today is a little different. I have a friend who is dying. He hasn’t asked me for advice and I haven’t offered any. But all I can think about is how this friend of mine is dying. I could try to answer a letter on another topic. But...

How to eulogize the dad no one likes?

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[button link=”mailto:advice@carytennis.com” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JAN 31, 2007 My friend’s father is just one more reason feminism exists — but can we say that? Dear Cary, I have been friends with my best friend since we were 15 years old; we united because we both had crazy-ass parents. Hers was an abusive...

I won’t grovel for my mother-in-law!

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[button link=”mailto:advice@carytennis.com” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from Tuesday, Apr 12, 2011 After all I’ve been through, I snapped. I don’t want to apologize, but I want my family back. Dear Cary, In the past three years, I have had a great deal of loss. My father, both grandmothers and my 36-year-old brother died. My mother had...

My father’s widow is stingy

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[button link=”mailto:advice@carytennis.com” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, JUN 9, 2005 I know he would have wanted to give me more money, but his will left everything to her. Dear Cary, I’m 34. My father passed away a year and half ago. He remarried when I was 15 but started dating my stepmom (SM) when I was 9. Dad and SM...

Breaking Board

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Walking up to the cafe on Thursday morning the day before the Mavericks surf contest down the road at Pillar Point, remembering last night’s weather news about the buoys going off along the coast, watching the big surf, and I see a guy walking up the beach with half his board under each arm. “That’s not a good sign,” I say. “I’m just glad I got to shore,”...

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