Category

Family

My Mother the Narcissist

M

Dear Cary, I hate my family of origin.  I recently discovered that I grew up in a mostly narcissistic family, with a narc mother who subtly but persistently projected her own guilt and shame and anger about her situation onto us, her six children.  During those childhood years, we – my siblings and I – felt so much compassion for her suffering. It seemed like almost overnight our...

How do I find the father within?

H

Dear Cary, I didn’t know who my father was until I was 44. The “father” I had was a man who married my mother when I was 2, and adopted me when I was 6. I found out at 14 that he wasn’t my father, but my mom still didn’t tell me about the real one. She made up yet another story, and that was all I had until age 44. The man I now refer to as my stepfather (although legally he was...

My Parents Don’t Like Me

M

Dear Cary, I am glad you started up again with Since You Asked, way over there in Italy. I hope Italy is not a sad place now, but it must be, a whole generation of grandparents has died off. This summer will be a season of national mourning for Italians; the Christmas season will feature so many families experiencing that first difficult holiday without their beloved parents and grandparents...

My husband is slowly killing himself

M

Dear Cary, I feel helpless.  My husband almost died two weeks ago.  I coerced him to the ER at the last minute where he collapsed trying to get in the door.  Once in there, he vomited so much blood all over me and all over the ER room that it looked like a crime scene.  I didn’t realize he had been in pain for quite some time.  He was diagnosed with an illness and spent a week in ICU, then...

Quarantined at Dad’s deathbed: Too much loss all at once

Q

Dear Cary, Thanks for writing about grief. I’ve been grieving too, and any interpretation of grief helps me feel connected. I hope your lungs feel full of air for however you grieve. Telling stories or wailing that losses are always unfair or cycling uphill or laughing at a broken cup. I wonder what you think about change and upheaval. How do we put back together relationships strained by...

Stuck in the house with the kids!

S

Dear Cary, What is difficult for me and my husband is having our two quite loud and active boys with us the whole day, every day. I have such a longing for being alone. Here in Germany we are allowed to go outside, but not meet with other people who are not part of our household. I am very glad we have a forest very near. The kids and I go there daily. Also we have a small garden with a...

Do I have to be a mommy to “opt out”?

D

Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, APR 24, 2007 I’m crazy in love with my two sisters’ five kids. I feel like helping to raise them would give my life meaning. Dear Cary, My younger sisters each recently had two babies apiece — two boys on one side, two girls on the other side. There’s also a fantastic 7-year-old in the mix. I have, quite frankly, fallen in love with these children. I am not a...

I moved in with my daughter

I

Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, SEP 27, 2011 Her husband died so I came to help. Now they act like I don’t exist Dear Mr. Tennis, I am a 65-year-old woman who has had a long and interesting life. During a particularly “interesting” time (think job loss, forced relocation, job search) I found myself estranged from my eldest child, a daughter 40 years of age, who had recently become part of a...

Once the kids are gone, I don’t want them coming back

O

Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, NOV 4, 2005 My wife says returning home after college is the new normal — but if they return, I may have to leave. Dear Cary, I am 46 and the father of two children, ages 16 and 20 (juniors in college and high school, respectively). My wife and I married very young, had our kids a little earlier than expected, embraced it and made what we felt was the...

My children were abused

M

Cary’s classic column from  Monday, Aug 12, 2013 I live with an awful history, and sometimes it is too much for me Dear Cary, I am writing with a problem that makes my heart physically ache. Let me briefly lay the groundwork first, and then I will present the problem. I was married for almost 20 years to a man who had three children from his first marriage. We had three more ourselves, and I...

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