I’m 38 and want kids, but the men I’m dating don’t

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Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, OCT 11, 2005

Since divorce, life has been pretty swell, but now I want to settle down and be a mom.


Dear Cary,

I was violently thrust into the dating inferno after my divorce nearly six years ago. During that time I’ve run the gamut of interactions: everything from being played like a plastic Flutophone to having a couple of semi-rewarding, longish-term relationships to enjoying a few purely physical hookups.

During my period of self-actualization I’ve done the following:

Gotten a shitload of therapy

Realized creative dreams of writing and getting published

Learned how to parallel park on steep hills (on the left side)

Amassed a huge network of fabulous friends

Made peace with my ex-husband

Learned French

Got promoted and learned to accept, if not fully embrace, working for the Man

Traveled

Turned my ex-boyfriends into great friends

Learned to love yoga in 120 degree temperatures

According to the post-divorce survival guide, I’ve done everything correctly, yet I still can’t figure out why I’m approaching 38 and single. I have no problem getting dates, but finding someone who will, well, stick in this city has been problematic.

So, here’s my question. Lately I’ve found that the wonderful men who have been wanting to date me don’t want children. Either they’ve had their chickens or their need to create is sublimated by their artistic passions. I am still passionate about having kids. So, Cary, do I need to grow up and accept the fact that having kids may not be in the cards for me and allow myself to yield to these men who woo? Does it make sense to get attached to someone who isn’t on the same page? At what age does a woman throw in the towel? I’ve entertained having my own child, but lack of money and familial support make this a nearly impossible option.

Still Holding the Towel

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Dear Still Holding the Towel,

If having children is truly, absolutely, positively, without a doubt the one thing you most want to do above all other things, then you will have to make some major life choices, and quickly.

So please ask yourself how badly you want to have children. It isn’t enough to say you want it really, really badly. The question is, what are you willing to give up? Do you want it badly enough to give up living where you live and working where you work? Do you want it badly enough to compromise on the kind of man you raise those children with?

Or do you want to continue living in the city you love, working the job you have learned to appreciate, but just add a fabulous husband and a child or two — and perhaps a larger residence to accommodate the extra people?

If you’re willing to make significant sacrifices, and you start immediately, perhaps you can find a man, and a new home, and a new job, and get pregnant and raise some children.

But if you want to keep what you have and simply add some beautiful kids and a great husband, I would say the chances of getting all that are considerably slimmer.

So which is better? The fabulous life you have now, or the life you might have if you sacrificed what you have for what you want? It’s a matter of great unknowns and probabilities.

The situation is made more acute, of course, by your age. You are already well past prime childbearing age. You’re 38.

It’s not as though you’ve wasted these years. You’ve had a fabulous time. You could not have had this fabulous time if you’d been raising kids. Nevertheless, inexorable time has crept up, lessening your chances of conceiving.

We make choices.

So these are the two choices as I see them: 1) Devote everything you have to your one goal of getting married and having kids, which means being willing to compromise on everything else — job, city, man. Or 2) Devote substantially more energy than you already are devoting to the problem, but retain those elements of your life that you already know make you happy. That way, you may win the lottery and get everything you want, but if not, you have not given up so much.

My conservative bet would be on No. 2. Because even if you gave up everything you love to pursue the goal of getting married and having kids, there’s a reasonable chance that you would rush into something with the wrong man in the wrong town and the wrong job, and you’d be miserable, and you would have given up what you had. So the potential downside is considerably steeper; also, you might find that having children does not make you as happy as you thought it would.

So I suggest you stay in the city but narrow your dating, focus it only on men who want to get married and have kids. Put 100 percent of your effort behind that. Weed out the rest.

You may very well find a great man and get married and get pregnant and have some wonderful healthy kids and live happily ever after. Or you might adopt some kids. Or you might fall in love with a man who already has some kids. Or you might just enjoy your life as it is.

Believe me, not having kids is not the end of the world. For some people, in fact, it’s more like the beginning.

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My husband wants kids but I like things the way they are

 

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We’ve got a great life going. Let’s not spoil it.

 Cary’s classic column from  THURSDAY, APR 9, 2009

Dear Cary,

I had a great childhood, full of country walks and art projects and picture books. My parents loved each other and they loved me and my siblings. I was not, despite all this, a particularly happy child.

I have a great adult life, with a wonderful husband, a demanding but stimulating job, warm friends and a nice apartment in a leafy part of the city. I am not, despite all this, a particularly happy adult.

I don’t think this is a huge problem. I’m prone to introspection, I often find the world confusing and upsetting and at times the human race makes me despair. So I work hard, study for my doctorate in my spare time, take long walks in the fresh air, read novels, look at paintings, choose pretty clothes and love my husband. These things make life meaningful for me. Oh, I’m 38.

My husband had a troubled childhood with parents who never liked each other much and have lived separate lives for decades. He was sent away to a residential school. He was reluctant to get married because his childhood made him cynical about marriage and family. His role models were artists and musicians and he wanted an urban life of coffee bars and foreign cinema and experimental music.

We did get married and it has been wonderful. But now he says he is struggling to find meaning in his life. His old role models don’t look so good anymore. Now maybe he’d like to find a different identity. Maybe he’d like to make a proper family and undo his old cynicism. He wants to do that with me.

Cary, I never wanted to be a mother. I don’t much like children. I don’t want to give my body over to someone else. I’m scared of childbirth. I don’t want to go to mommy and baby groups. I like to read books and I need lots of sleep. I need to work, and not just for the money. I’m not a happy person and I think I might make unhappy babies. There are too many people in the world already.

He loves dogs. I also love dogs. A dog would be good. But not a baby. What should we do?

Bonnie

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Dear Bonnie,

What should you do? What you’re doing: Think it through. Discuss it. Take your time. Figure out what’s going on, what has arisen in your husband’s life to make him think maybe he wants a kid, what social pressures are at work, what unseen longings, etc. Don’t just have a kid even though you don’t want one just because maybe it might, uh, make one of you a little happier!

Studies cited in this 2008 Newsweek article as well as more recent research indicate that having children does not increase happiness. It’s, of course, a perennial topic here at Salon. You could read the book we published about this. We’ve all weighed in, ad nauseam and to our occasional embarrassment. Our conclusions, though they differ, all rest on the assumption that 1) it is a personal and complicated choice that intelligent people must make consciously and 2) um, in the end, you kind of have to trust your gut.

We all struggle mightily with this stuff, as we struggle mightily to build our new, godless, secular humanist world! This new, godless, secular humanist world has kids in it, but it also has people in it who don’t have kids and aren’t freaked out about not having kids. It has people in it who admit, OK, I’m not the happiest puppy on the block and that’s OK. I think hard about the tragic inequities in the world, etc. I am not a trivial, smiling happy person! It has people like you in it! And people like you do not have to have kids! We just have to stick together on this, because there are social pressures always at work. If you live in a nice, happy, hip neighborhood that’s suddenly full of strollers you maybe start thinking you’re a little off, a little strange, a little out of it, if you don’t have a brood.

Your husband may be having a crisis of meaning, feeling unaccountably empty, disconnected, without grounding and community, without moorings in the continuity of life. When one reaches a point like this, the idea of having kids may well spring to mind. One may look around and think that what makes other people happy will make one happy as well; one may forget that what meager happiness one has eked out so far from life has been hard-won, that the few fragile truces one has hammered out between conventional morality and one’s innermost beliefs were reached through ruthless honesty about who one really is. Well, sure, one feels exhausted. Sure, one feels that other people get all the breaks. They are the majority. We are the minority.

So stick to your guns and have faith in the kind of clear-eyed problem-solving that has worked for you so far. Do not abandon your core principles and beliefs. Rather, adjust. See how new pressures have arisen, new needs, and ask how can your current arrangement meet these new needs? How can you meet these new needs for community, rootedness, a sense of connectedness to the sacred in life, the wonder of childhood, etc.?

When we creative, non-generative folks reach a certain stage in life, we begin to look around to see how we can be of value to our community, perhaps to our country as well. We see that though we are not parents, we have much to offer the future. We try to see how we might become involved.

I suggest that your husband sit down and take stock of his life. List the things that make him happy. You say he wanted an urban life of foreign cinema and coffee bars. Does he have that? Why is he discontented? How involved is he in this urban life of foreign cinema and coffee bars? Is he directly involved with a creative life or is he an onlooker? The greatest satisfaction seems to come from doing, not observing. If he feels restless and disconnected perhaps he needs to embark on a creative project in which he is deeply, personally involved. Perhaps he needs to be of service to his community. There are so many ways that we secular urban folks can meet our needs for connectedness through unconventional means! We start urban gardens! We organize against injustice! We create public art! We amuse ourselves together! We go to the movies! The dream of happy secular urban bohemianism lives on! It does not require babies!

But in and of itself, not having a kid will not address the deeper question. The question is how to find connection and meaning in life, how to feel more authentic and more “right” about what one is doing. How to feel, like, yeah, OK, what I’m doing is right for me, it makes sense, I’m where I belong, doing what I was meant to do. How do you find that? By doing what you’ve been doing all along, and being who you are.

Does that sound like a cop-out? I mean it sincerely.

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