Dear reader,
I’ve missed you. So I’m writing the Since You Asked column again. Remember the first one, October 17, 2001? My answer began like this: “We’re all on unfamiliar ground after Sept. 11.”
So welcome back to the unfamiliar.
Write to me. I need letters. Tell me your troubles. Don’t worry about the anonymity thing. I’ll never tell anybody.
This first letter was a funny letter, so I’ve responded in like manner.
Dear Cary,
Hi. Welcome back.
I’ve been sequestered with my wife for more than two weeks now. I think she’s getting a little sick of me. I occasionally see her eyeing our kitchen knives in a way that seems unwholesome to me. Is there anything I can do to make my presence more tolerable to her? It seems like we’re going to be here, cheek by jowl, for quite some time and I don’t want to have to keep one eye open while I sleep.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
If you have a well-equipped kitchen, you probably have sharp knives. On the other hand, you probably have high-quality dish towels (Swedish Dishcloth Cellulose Sponge Cloths 10-pack, $20 on Amazon), which in a knife fight can be wrapped around the forearm to fend off blows.
Afterwards, for that bloody mess: Absorbent! Great for cleanup!
But of course we hope it doesn’t come to that.
Seriously, my friend, you are fortunate in many ways. You, like I, have battled adversity but life has been kind to you. You are married to a beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent, creative, fun (and tall!) person. I suggest you attend to her every need, desire and wish, even those that she does not express.
My guess: Your demons are mostly of your own making, kimosabe. So take a mental inventory of your recent acts of adoration: Have you brought her flowers this week? Did you pick up her favorite chocolate at the store? Does she need her feet rubbed? Is her favorite jam in the fridge? Does she require alone time? Would a surprise call from an old friend cheer her up? If these things need doing, do them without delay. They will make everyone happier.
Meanwhile, we are all in captivity. Husbands in captivity require tasks to keep them busy. Wives in captivity require extra attention. Actually, I interviewed a scientist (not really: actually, I was just sneezing into my elbow). Actually, I pretended to talk to a scientist to make it sound better. And he, the imaginary scientist, suggested “strategic re-location” of the kitchen knives: under the house; behind a false panel; or buried in the backyard where they will not be found until spring.
And one more thing: Remove “Kill Bill” from the DVD collection.
–Cary T.
There. That wasn’t so hard. Welcome to my new thing. Send your letters to advice@carytennis.com I plan to publish every Thursday. It’s five minutes to 9 now, Italian time (21.00), so I have to wrap this up. One thing though …
… wait, I hear Italian voices. A radio drifts up from the vicolo. RAI News, something about the pandemic, i contagi, the awful dying in Lombardy …
God bless us all. I will be reading Boccaccio and thinking about love in a time of plague.
