Hi Cary, I have huge trust issues and it’s affecting my relationship with my partner of 3 years. My trust issues have stemmed from my childhood for many different reasons and to top it off, last year I found out my step dad had been abusing me. My partner has never given me a reason to not trust him. He says he has his morals and knows deep down he has never done anything wrong. His dad cheated...
Dear Reader, Yesterday I texted an old friend and mentor in San Francisco, a person who has been dear to me, who has guided me through the spiritual wilderness into which I will occasionally wander in moments of loss or grief or fear. I texted him to get in touch, no big thing, it’s been a while, I’ve been living in Italy for over four years now, and the reply was, “Is this...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAR 25, 2009 The groom said my husband is dead to him. The bride refused my package. Dear Cary, A good friend of mine invited my husband and me to her destination wedding. We were thrilled to be invited as she was a bridesmaid in our wedding, however, when we saw the price for four days we realized we couldn’t go. At her bridal shower, a mutual friend had...
Cary’s classic column from Sunday, Mar 13, 2011 The man I love is deceiving his wife and I think she should know what kind of man she’s married to Dear Cary, I fell in love with an amazing, complicated man. He has a young child with an ex and he was living in the United States illegally. And he had a girlfriend. We became friends gently, over a long period of time. I’ve never had such an...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUL 23, 2008 I hate to lose my best college buddy, but her behavior is beyond the pale. Dear Cary, I am having problems with my friend (let’s call her Mary). Mary and I have been friends since college. We are in our early 30s now. Neither of us is married: Mary is completely single and I have a significant other. We have lived, traveled and partied together...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAY 2, 2012 It was stupid, cruel and unsatisfying, and now I’m miserable Dear Cary, I really need you to tell me how to forgive myself, and how to carry on after I had an affair. I’m sorry if this ends up really long and please edit however you need to. Basically, I have been married for 15 years to a man who really is a fundamentally excellent person. We...
Cary’s classic column from Wednesday, Jul 20, 2011 I thought I knew him. Then he loaded up his U-Haul Cary, I had a really boring suburban life for a long time, wishing that something would make it interesting. I had a good relationship with my family and I thought that my parents would stay together forever. Then we got hit with a hurricane. After the hurricane I spent a lot more time talking to...
Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, JAN 12, 2012 After 15 years, suddenly she’s moody and unreachable — and I think it’s her boyfriend’s fault Dear Cary, I’m sure you’ve had letters similar to mine, but I’m sure there are others who might benefit by knowing it’s not just them who’ve dealt with a toxic friendship in their lives. I’ve dated some toxic men; one who was a verbally and...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, FEB 21, 2006 She says I must either accept the situation 100 percent or forget being maid of honor. Dear Cary, I have a very good friend who is getting married soon. She’s smart, funny, talented, beautiful and successful. We’ve been friends for about 12 years (since high school) and we’ve always had the label “best friends” on our relationship, although we’ve...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, SEP 28, 2009 I tried to retrieve her photos from the Dumpster but they were gone! What have I done? Dear Cary, My girlfriend and I have been together for five years, and although the beginning was a bit rocky, things are great now. Our setbacks were mainly due to my commitment avoidance. So, we’ve been living together now for six months, and I’ve started to …...
Cary’s classic column from Monday, Aug 23, 2010 A tragic death among deeply close friends: Her burial was like a ghost town Dear Cary, I want to say, first of all, that I am so happy to hear of your recovery. I always look forward to reading your thoughtful responses to letters. I have, perhaps, many things I’d like to ask for advice about but for now I will get to the most pressing and...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, MAY 25, 2004 My boyfriend and I decided we could kiss other people, but he went further. What should I do? Dear Cary, I have been with the same man for more than six years. We met in high school, our relationship survived college and living together as recent grads. About six months ago, my boyfriend moved to another city, five hours away. The long-distance...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, JUN 8, 2010 My husband and my brother are estranged because of a business deal Dear Cary, Earlier this year, around the time of your cancer diagnosis, you wrote about letting go of a long-held resentment. I am particularly interested in this topic because of a family conflict that has gone on for years in an understated way. Whenever it interferes with my life...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JAN 14, 2004 I looked at my girlfriend’s text messages and found out she was in touch with an ex. Can we ever trust each other? Dear Cary, I have been in a relationship with a woman for a little over four months. In pretty much every respect, it has been absolutely incredible. We spend every night together, we share a lot of common interests, we are alike in...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, AUG 1, 2005 I’ve got this situation with my husband that’s really rough. Maybe I should move on? Dear Cary – My husband wants to go visit his lovers. And I’m strongly considering moving on. My husband has been cultivating a relationship with two men...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, SEP 17, 2012 I only got a generic notice, as if I were just a bystander, or an acquaintance! Dear Cary, It’s my turn. I need advice. I opened my mail earlier this week and found a wedding announcement — from my son. My son, whom I raised alone since he...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUL 16, 2008 I didn’t like him at first because he was treating her bad, but now I’ve got him under my skin. Dear Cary, My best friend got engaged to the father of her kids about four months ago. I didn’t like him because in the beginning of their...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, MAY 14, 2004 I have a habit of destroying all of my relationships after they’re about a year old. Dear Cary, I have a problem with keeping friends more than about a year, mostly due to my insecurities, but I have no clue why I act the way I do or...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from December 10, 2010 Wow. We were so close in high school, and now she’s doing drugs and hanging out with gangs Dear Cary, “Jenny” and I were the best of friends in high school. We did everything together and were more like sisters than friends. After high...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAY 31, 2006 I’m not ashamed of him, but I think he’ll be bored and make me nervous. Dear Cary, Am I a horrible person for hoping my husband doesn’t go with me to my 10-year high school reunion next month? Since it was first mentioned, he...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] She wants her fiance to spend three months’ salary on her engagement ring. Is that fair to the man? Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, JAN 28, 2005 Dear Cary, About a year and a half ago, my husband’s and my best friends broke up. She was unhappy and disappointed with him; he was...
Dear … I thought of you just now. I am sitting in this renovated 13th-century Italian convent between Rome and Florence, a short walk up from the train station, and your face drifted into view. There were a lot of people here for ten days but they all left on the train today. I suppose suddenly being alone was one reason I thought of you. There had been little time to really think. Now I am...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] I’m a wife, a mother and a doctoral candidate. I’m not the kind of person this happens to. What the hell am I doing? Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, OCT 6, 2008 Hi Cary, I’m a 28-year-old doctoral student, wife and mother; it’s a life I would’ve described once as busy, happy and...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] He’s a gay person of color, but he’s against the minimum wage! Cary’s classic column from Sunday, THURSDAY, JUL 21, 2005 Dear Cary, I have been at my current position as an attorney at a law firm for less than a year. Although I work at a rather typical big law firm, I am a committed...
We were going to be married. I’m finally getting over the breakup when he calls and wants to be chummy! Cary’s classic column from Wednesday, Sep 21, 2011 Dear Cary, About six months ago, the man I thought I was going to marry left me unceremoniously for another woman. During the aftermath — the moving out, the settling of affairs — he acted cruelly and horribly, cementing the split and making...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, MAY 1, 2009 Due to an “error,” the stepdaughter gets everything. Dear Cary, It really is not about the money. My dad worked two and three jobs his whole life and ended up with a relatively small estate to distribute among his eight kids and his...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, DEC 10, 2009 I guess I’m guilty of conduct unbecoming a bridesmaid — but I thought she chose me for who I am Dear Cary, I was asked by a dear friend to be her maid of honor. I was immediately a little worried. I’m not into traditional wedding...
My friend saw the second plane hit. Does that give him a superior view of global politics? Cary’s classic column Monday, Sep 20, 2010 Dear Cary, A good friend of mine, let’s call him Joe, witnessed the second plane hit the building on Sept. 11. He shares his stories about huddling in a building lobby with others as the debris and dust came down around them and shared stories of people crying and...
My husband and he have so much in common — but his beliefs are pernicious and wrong! Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, JAN 3, 2008 Dear Cary, My husband and I live in a small town in the same rural area of northern New England where he grew up. I grew up in a suburban setting in southern New England, but I have lived here my entire adult life — more than three decades now. (I’m 49, my...
Dear Reader, Today is Wednesday. Wednesday is advice-column-writing day. Usually I write a column by answering a letter from someone looking for advice. Today is a little different. I have a friend who is dying. He hasn’t asked me for advice and I haven’t offered any. But all I can think about is how this friend of mine is dying. I could try to answer a letter on another topic. But...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JAN 31, 2007 My friend’s father is just one more reason feminism exists — but can we say that? Dear Cary, I have been friends with my best friend since we were 15 years old; we united because we both had crazy-ass parents. Hers was an abusive...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from Sunday, Jun 5, 2011 Sure, I’m crazy — for him! But I botched my approach! Now how do I wriggle out? Dear Cary: I have been following your column for years. I hope you can help me — I need concrete advice, almost like a to-do list on what to do next. I...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, AUG 5, 2005 To stay in the country, he needs someone to sponsor him. Dear Cary, A friend of mine is in the U.S. on a work visa, and has recently married an American citizen. They married for all the right reasons — undying devotion, etc. — but an added...
Dear reader, Now I feel like my dad. My dad grew up in a time way before mine, as dads tend to do. He would make allusions and we kids wouldn’t get them. “What? Who was Gracie Allen?” “Why,” my father would say, “she was George Burns’ partner!” Good old Burns and Allen. These days you can’t really know who knows what. A noted novelist of my...
Hi! It’s me, Cary! How ya doin? I’m out of the pool eating toast and thinking about the novel. I’m committed to finishing by the end of May. I have it all planned out. It’s practically done! Finally. Plus yesterday I finished my application to Yaddo, thanks to my Finishing School commitment. It was a long day but I got it done before my 6pm writing coaching appointment...