Dear Cary, Thanks for writing about grief. I’ve been grieving too, and any interpretation of grief helps me feel connected. I hope your lungs feel full of air for however you grieve. Telling stories or wailing that losses are always unfair or cycling uphill or laughing at a broken cup. I wonder what you think about change and upheaval. How do we put back together relationships strained by...
Dear Reader, Yesterday I texted an old friend and mentor in San Francisco, a person who has been dear to me, who has guided me through the spiritual wilderness into which I will occasionally wander in moments of loss or grief or fear. I texted him to get in touch, no big thing, it’s been a while, I’ve been living in Italy for over four years now, and the reply was, “Is this...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, SEP 27, 2011 Her husband died so I came to help. Now they act like I don’t exist Dear Mr. Tennis, I am a 65-year-old woman who has had a long and interesting life. During a particularly “interesting” time (think job loss, forced relocation, job search) I found myself estranged from my eldest child, a daughter 40 years of age, who had recently become part of a...
Cary’s classic column from Tuesday, Apr 23, 2013 People are saying untrue things about me for no apparent reason Dear Cary, A few months ago, I got a new supervisor at work. I was excited because this is someone I’ve known for years, and have even considered a mentor in the past. Unfortunately, I had a string of personal losses in the past few months — deaths and major illnesses of loved...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, AUG 22, 2008 02:50 AM PDT He thought he’d be returning home to die. But she just strung him along until he was gone. Dear Cary: My elderly father had been ill. After improving, he went directly from the hospital into a nursing home. We never told him he was never coming home. My mother said keeping up some sort of illusion of his eventual return was a way to...
Cary’s classic column from Monday, Aug 23, 2010 A tragic death among deeply close friends: Her burial was like a ghost town Dear Cary, I want to say, first of all, that I am so happy to hear of your recovery. I always look forward to reading your thoughtful responses to letters. I have, perhaps, many things I’d like to ask for advice about but for now I will get to the most pressing and...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] My husband told me that he and my friend are attracted to each other — two days after my father died! Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, JUL 18, 2003 Dear Cary, This past Tuesday, my father died. Although it was not unexpected, I loved him deeply and am dealing with a lot of...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] I have been through a lot of loss, but I can’t seem to get over losing her love. Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUL 14, 2004 Dear Cary, At Christmas she left me, told me she had fallen out of love. It has been half a year; I have dated, moved on, accepted that she is never...
I know it’s inevitable, but I can’t imagine how to get through it Dear Cary, I’m writing because I love your advice and follow your column avidly. I don’t have the time or focus to make this pithy. I’ve always envisioned writing you a clever and insightful letter someday, and this ain’t it. In a nutshell: I just learned my mother has a deadly cancer, her second round in two years. Despite what...
I’m having a rough time; I’d like some justice and some peace. Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, OCT 2, 2008 Dear Cary, I am not sure where to start or even if I should be writing to you. I have been struggling with something, and at times I think that I have it beaten enough and that asking for help is just useless whining for attention. At other times, it rears up, and I think that it may...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, MAY 1, 2009 Due to an “error,” the stepdaughter gets everything. Dear Cary, It really is not about the money. My dad worked two and three jobs his whole life and ended up with a relatively small estate to distribute among his eight kids and his...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] I could have gone, I should have gone, but I thought about the money and my other plans! Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, APR 25, 2008 Dear Cary, I just got done listening to this beautiful essay on NPR. Someone wrote in to say, “Always Go to the Funeral.” I’m writing you because I...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, MAY 16, 2005 I’m finally ready to deal with a long-lost love, but a recent breakup seems to be all I can think about. Dear Cary, I recently went through a breakup of a very short affair. Three months after it began it was completely over, by her choice...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Dear Cary, It’s been over a year since I moved from my childhood home. It’s been sold–the only home I knew for 20 years. Before I left, I read your advice column on letting go of your childhood home. It helped, and I did sit on my porch, and I wrote a letter and placed...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from Tuesday, Apr 12, 2011 After all I’ve been through, I snapped. I don’t want to apologize, but I want my family back. Dear Cary, In the past three years, I have had a great deal of loss. My father, both grandmothers and my 36-year-old brother died. My mother had...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, DEC 13, 2007 We have three small children and I am devastated. Hi, I need desperate help, please. My husband died of cancer a week ago. The day after his funeral, I learned he’d been having Internet sex, which didn’t stop there. He met up with...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, OCT 6, 2009 I’ve got only a genetic disease and old age to look forward to Dear Cary, I have been reading your column for a while and always find your advice useful in a roundabout way, but I especially find it honest. I’m going to be...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, AUG 30, 2004 [button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] I’m afraid she’s a gold digger. Besides, it’s too soon after Mom’s death for Dad to have a girlfriend. Dear Cary, I am 24 years old and currently attending graduate school in fine art. About a year ago, my mother died from breast cancer...
Cary’s classic column from Monday, Apr 11, 2011 [button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] I feel awful there isn’t more I can do Dear Cary, I always appreciate your philosophical approach to helping people reflect on their problems, and I am interested in hearing your thoughts on mine. How does one support...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from Thursday, May 26, 2005 He’s had some tough blows lately, but I’m concerned he’s really losing it. Dear Cary, My younger brother, 40, is an anxious, depressed social recluse. He lives with his dog in a basement apartment alone. He never answers...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUL 25, 2007 By the time you read this, she’ll probably be gone. Why couldn’t I be by her side? Dear Cary, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and need advice. So here I am. I’ll cut to the point: My 63-year-old mother will most likely be deceased by the time you receive this. After a number of years battling multiple sclerosis, the drugs...
My father died. My mom has Alzheimer’s. My brother wears his trousers too high. Cary’s archival column from MAY 1, 2011 Dear Cary, I love my brother dearly. We’re 13 months apart, but I feel like he’s my twin. We survived our parents’ horrible marriage. We’ve both been very successful and have accumulated quite a bit of wealth, so we live comfy lives. I left my birth state to...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Dear Cary, In my early twenties, I went to graduate school to study English literature. I was deeply passionate about the written word and knew from the moment that I could read that I wanted to devote my life to this pursuit. Idealistic, I felt like providence had led me to...