We’ll be in Italy of course because we live there. That’s always weird but less weird every year and this’ll be Year Seven EIGHT! Our first year living in Italy we went to Venice for Christmas and got ripped off at some supposedly great restaurant. C’est la vie, live and learn. This year we local americani will have Thanksgiving dinner with some likewise Americans etc. at...
Dear Cary, I hate my family of origin. I recently discovered that I grew up in a mostly narcissistic family, with a narc mother who subtly but persistently projected her own guilt and shame and anger about her situation onto us, her six children. During those childhood years, we – my siblings and I – felt so much compassion for her suffering. It seemed like almost overnight our...
Dear Cary, I didn’t know who my father was until I was 44. The “father” I had was a man who married my mother when I was 2, and adopted me when I was 6. I found out at 14 that he wasn’t my father, but my mom still didn’t tell me about the real one. She made up yet another story, and that was all I had until age 44. The man I now refer to as my stepfather (although legally he was...
Dear Cary, I am glad you started up again with Since You Asked, way over there in Italy. I hope Italy is not a sad place now, but it must be, a whole generation of grandparents has died off. This summer will be a season of national mourning for Italians; the Christmas season will feature so many families experiencing that first difficult holiday without their beloved parents and grandparents...
Dear Cary, I feel helpless. My husband almost died two weeks ago. I coerced him to the ER at the last minute where he collapsed trying to get in the door. Once in there, he vomited so much blood all over me and all over the ER room that it looked like a crime scene. I didn’t realize he had been in pain for quite some time. He was diagnosed with an illness and spent a week in ICU, then...
Dear Cary, Thanks for writing about grief. I’ve been grieving too, and any interpretation of grief helps me feel connected. I hope your lungs feel full of air for however you grieve. Telling stories or wailing that losses are always unfair or cycling uphill or laughing at a broken cup. I wonder what you think about change and upheaval. How do we put back together relationships strained by...
Dear Cary, What is difficult for me and my husband is having our two quite loud and active boys with us the whole day, every day. I have such a longing for being alone. Here in Germany we are allowed to go outside, but not meet with other people who are not part of our household. I am very glad we have a forest very near. The kids and I go there daily. Also we have a small garden with a...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, APR 24, 2007 I’m crazy in love with my two sisters’ five kids. I feel like helping to raise them would give my life meaning. Dear Cary, My younger sisters each recently had two babies apiece — two boys on one side, two girls on the other side. There’s also a fantastic 7-year-old in the mix. I have, quite frankly, fallen in love with these children. I am not a...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, SEP 27, 2011 Her husband died so I came to help. Now they act like I don’t exist Dear Mr. Tennis, I am a 65-year-old woman who has had a long and interesting life. During a particularly “interesting” time (think job loss, forced relocation, job search) I found myself estranged from my eldest child, a daughter 40 years of age, who had recently become part of a...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, NOV 4, 2005 My wife says returning home after college is the new normal — but if they return, I may have to leave. Dear Cary, I am 46 and the father of two children, ages 16 and 20 (juniors in college and high school, respectively). My wife and I married very young, had our kids a little earlier than expected, embraced it and made what we felt was the...
Cary’s classic column from Monday, Aug 12, 2013 I live with an awful history, and sometimes it is too much for me Dear Cary, I am writing with a problem that makes my heart physically ache. Let me briefly lay the groundwork first, and then I will present the problem. I was married for almost 20 years to a man who had three children from his first marriage. We had three more ourselves, and I...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, JUN 5, 2006 Uncle Danny shows up in his R.V. for four-month “visits,” gobbling up our food and paying nothing. Dear Cary, My husband and I are a professional couple in our mid-30s who have a house in a revitalized urban area in North Carolina. Since we moved into our house four years ago, my husband’s uncle — let’s call him Uncle Danny — has started visiting us...
Dear Cary, I met my girlfriend almost three years ago. She was married at the time. Things started casually. We flirted and maybe behaved inappropriately when no one was looking. Our flirting progressed, some playful touching and sometimes she’d teasingly pull her dress up a bit for a second or push her cleavage together for a quick tease. Eventually we began exchanging sexual text messages...
Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, AUG 30, 2007 They thought the baby would fix things, but he didn’t, so the dad split. Does that mean he’s no good? Dear Cary, Early this year, one of the greatest bright spots in my life occurred: I became an uncle. After 10 years of bleak family moments, we all finally had a moment of renewal. My older brother called me (I’m an expat and haven’t actually seen...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAY 30, 2007 He’s in and out of jail, he hardly works, and he always gets thrown out of where he’s staying. Dear Cary, I need some advice. I have a 30-year-old brother who has been in and out of jail and constantly needs my help. My mother and father are divorced and are alcoholics and cannot help him at all. I have built a life with my husband and two kids...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, DEC 9, 2005 Dear Cary, When our two boys were small children, my husband was a very high-achieving alcoholic. He never lost his job, he never verbally or physically abused either the kids or me, he remained a good father, and he never alienated his friends or family. Indeed, to this day, no one other than me (and his treatment group participants and counselors)...
Cary’s classic column from Wednesday, Jul 20, 2011 I thought I knew him. Then he loaded up his U-Haul Cary, I had a really boring suburban life for a long time, wishing that something would make it interesting. I had a good relationship with my family and I thought that my parents would stay together forever. Then we got hit with a hurricane. After the hurricane I spent a lot more time talking to...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, AUG 9, 2005 We’d like to stay together, but I’m not sure I could handle the rift that would create. Dear Cary, I am a bright, personable woman in my late 20s who works full-time in a law firm and attends graduate school part-time. I am in love with a man who is a decade older than I am, a struggling musician and carpenter who has also found some very creative...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, AUG 22, 2008 02:50 AM PDT He thought he’d be returning home to die. But she just strung him along until he was gone. Dear Cary: My elderly father had been ill. After improving, he went directly from the hospital into a nursing home. We never told him he was never coming home. My mother said keeping up some sort of illusion of his eventual return was a way to...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, DEC 14, 2007 I seem to be OK on the outside, but inside … you don’t even want to know. Dear Cary, I have never written to an advice column before, and I chose you because although I sometimes disagree with your advice, I find I can never predict what that advice will be based on the advisee’s letter. Here’s my problem: I secretly hate myself. I know why...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, APR 12, 2004 I am going to marry a man I love, but he says if I gain a lot of weight he might leave me. Dear Cary, I am engaged to a fantastic person. For the first time I feel I am with someone who loves me for who I am, and not for who they want me to be. He loves it all, the good and the ugly, and that leaves me feeling very at ease in this relationship. I...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, DEC 12, 2007 If we move in together, should I buy a safe? Hi Cary, I recently escaped a long-term (by today’s standards), abusive marriage. I’ve done remarkably well for myself, I think, and I feel like I have my shit together. I became reacquainted with an old friend about a year after my divorce, and we became a couple. He’s everything my ex was not: kind...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, JUL 1, 2005 My problem is, I think I love my East Coast family more. Dear Cary, I’m hoping you can help with something that weighs on my mind a little heavier each day. I’m a 25-year-old professional woman, raised in Pennsylvania with four little brothers and sisters aged 18-23 whom I adore. A few years ago, I was working a post-college first job near my family...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUL 15, 2009 My mother and my boyfriend want to tell me how many pills to take Dear Cary, When I was 18, I had my first kidney stone. I had lithotripsy for another at 19 and a very serious bacterial infection in my kidney in between. I am now 25, and have spent seven years with intermittent pain and urinary tract infections. In the past year, the pain has...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, JUN 8, 2010 My husband and my brother are estranged because of a business deal Dear Cary, Earlier this year, around the time of your cancer diagnosis, you wrote about letting go of a long-held resentment. I am particularly interested in this topic because of a family conflict that has gone on for years in an understated way. Whenever it interferes with my life...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, SEP 4, 2007 I know I can’t support him anymore — I need to save for retirement. What do I do? Dear Cary, I’m a single mother with a grown son. I love him more than I can say. He’s a good person, a great guy in so many ways — smart, creative, kind...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, NOV 1, 2005 I have certain hazy memories that give me the creeps, but I really don’t know the truth. Dear Cary, I’ll try to make this short. I’m a 27-year-old man. I’ve blown every good relationship I have ever been in. Sometimes I wonder if my...
Hi Cary, Something new is happening and I honestly feel like I’m in a corner. Politically I am liberal. I am also atheist. And I consider myself a very tolerant and accepting person. I will, for example accept that your favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla, and that you say you love it, while mine is tiramisu. But, if you say vanilla is absolutely, without a doubt the best flavor, not to...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from SUNDAY, MAY 8, 2011 My father is not my “bio-dad.” My mother’s lifelong lover is. Whom do I tell, and when? Dear Cary, I’m 44 years old and facing a dilemma concerning my father’s mortality. OK, it’s more complicated than that: My parents divorced when I was 2...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, AUG 5, 2004 I thought my husband was stupid, but he’s just got attention deficit disorder. Dear Cary, I’m 40 years old, married for 19 years, with three boys ages 4, 8 and 14, who are constantly and completely amazing to me. I never finished college...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, SEP 17, 2012 I only got a generic notice, as if I were just a bystander, or an acquaintance! Dear Cary, It’s my turn. I need advice. I opened my mail earlier this week and found a wedding announcement — from my son. My son, whom I raised alone since he...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, JUN 19, 2007 I am a secular person, I do not like the color pink, and I need to manage my disease my own way. Dear Cary, I am a 47-year-old happily married woman with four children who was recently diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. It’s been a...
Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, DEC 13, 2012 Dear Mr. Tennis, I have a fairly simple holiday question to ask you. But I fear that even though the question is simple the answer, or advice, may be much more complicated. So here goes… In all of your intuitive sagacity do you believe that it would be bad form to ask family members if they could contribute to helping pay outstanding debts (i.e...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from SUNDAY, DEC 4, 2011 How can I make this year’s gathering tolerable, at least? Dear Cary, So, this is a boring question but a timely one. It’s That Time of Year again, when the secular and religious Christians descend upon the homes of their relatives to give...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAR 2, 2011 Should I approach his victims’ families? Can I help in any way? Dear Cary, My brother brutally murdered two people and now faces the death penalty. There are many issues I am dealing with so this really jumps around a lot but it is the...