My husband told me that he and my friend are attracted to each other — two days after my father died!
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, JUL 18, 2003
Dear Cary,
This past Tuesday, my father died. Although it was not unexpected, I loved him deeply and am dealing with a lot of grief. A close friend of mine has been living with me and my family for the past three or four months. Several years ago, she lived with us for a while, but eventually moved out when she (and my husband and I) became uncomfortable with the fact that she and my husband were attracted to each other. At that time, I assumed that a large part of the attraction, at least on my spouse’s part, was due to the fact that things were not good between us. For my friend, it was largely due to her then-single state.
Things are much better between us now than they were. However, very recently I thought I perceived that spark of attraction between them. There was too much going on (father dying, etc.) for me to give much thought to it. Two days after my father’s death, my husband confessed to me that he and my friend were, indeed, feeling an attraction. My friend is currently single again, which he somehow blamed as the source of the attraction. Apparently they talked about it and both agreed they were committed to their relationships with me and didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. According to my husband, my friend felt strongly about not saying anything to me. My husband, however, felt that in the name of “honesty” he wanted me to know.
Why the fuck did he have to tell me this now? My dad just died. I’m up to my eyebrows in grief, and I feel like my spouse just dumped this problem in my lap. I feel like it’s his problem, and he tried to make it mine (and pretty much succeeded) so that he wouldn’t have to deal with this issue like an adult, by himself. I love this man, but sometimes he is the most self-absorbed son of a bitch on the planet. Of course, between kids, funeral arrangements, and the fact that I am highly confrontation-averse, we haven’t even had a chance to talk about this. It’s also taken me two days to process all of it, and figure out how I feel about it, but man, I know now, and I am mad as hell that he chose this time to dump this crap on me. Was this just heartfelt honesty or the actions of an adolescent trapped in a middle-aged male body?
Fuming, Grieving, and About to Boil Over
Dear Fuming,
Honesty as a mask for thoughtlessness is a crock of shit. Don’t you just feel like punching him now?
So sorry to hear about your father.
Let me tell you what happened to me the other day, if I may, because it’s related to your story. My father is still living, bless his heart and prostate. Two days ago, as I was preparing dinner for a kitchen full of friends, the phone rang and it was my dad and he said, “Cary? I have some very disturbing news. You’re going to be in an auto accident.”
That was about the extent of the conversation. I thanked him for the news. The next day, my wife and I drove across the Golden Gate Bridge. I was the slow guy in the right lane.
I tried to work it out in my head: My father believes in psychic phenomena — prophetic dreams, channeling the dead, etc. None of his predictions have ever come true, as far as I know, so I figured I don’t have much to worry about. He’s always said strange things. He’s getting older and stranger. If it was anybody else I’d dismiss it. But it was my dad, so it creeped me out.
Then I talked to my sister. Apparently, around the same time he called me, he called her and told her I’d been killed in an auto accident. After much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments she got him to explain that I was indeed killed in an auto accident, but it happened in a dream he had.
Is your husband 80 years old? Has he raised five kids, survived prostate cancer and saved the world for democracy? If so, maybe you’d cut him some slack. But he’s not 80, is he? He should know better.
We were raised on a bogus “honesty” standard. We need a new standard. How about: compassion. Think of the other person. What will the news do to her? Will it amuse her? Will it make her happier, better able to cope with life, stronger, more knowledgeable, more confident? For instance, if you tell someone how well you think she’s coping with a recent tragedy, that you admire her strength, that might make her feel better. Even if she thinks you’re lying, the words will have a good effect. I mean, you can give someone an honest massage or a dishonest massage and it’s still going to feel good.
Likewise, if you honestly punch somebody in the face, it hurts just as much as a dishonest punch.
Knowing that your husband is attracted to your friend is not really useful knowledge. Useful knowledge would be something like: What is he going to do?
Could you maybe get that straight with him? Tell him you don’t want to talk about your friend. Also tell him you don’t want him alone with her. It should be the three of you or nothing. Also tell him he needs to work on his timing. And then drop it. You don’t need to talk about it anymore. The only time he should mention it again is if he and your friend decide to run away together to Montana and start an organic farm. Then he should tell you, so you’ll know to pick the kids up at school before driving to Montana to kick the shit out of him.
Hm, something here doesn’t add up. It seems pretty out there to invite someone to whom your husband has been attracted into your home for a second time. It might be revealing to know how this was resolved the first time such that everyone remained friends. Seems fairly rare. I think it is a very good idea to share with each other when you have a real attraction to someone. Of course the fleeting attractions that have no depth don’t need to be mentioned. Obviously the timing of the revelation is poor. It seems there is some relevant information missing that makes the usefulness of any advice less likely.
I want to ask why, when you’ve known of an attraction between these two people in the past, she is living with you again. It seems like a certain attraction to a certain kind of scenario and drama on the part of all three of you. To me it seems to be both under-dramatising and over-dramatising at the same time. It would sensible to me to just avoid inflaming this particular attraction by choosing not to be a threesome on outings or living situations, and for your friend and your husband to majorly cool it. As in, never see each other alone. There are plenty of people in the world and seeing as she’s your close friend it would be wise to choose – in as undramatic and understated a way as possible – peace and love and life and avoid intimate twosomes with your husband or threesomes with you and your husband. On your husband’s part, I think he should acknowledge that it’s exciting to experience sexual attraction but beyond that fairly meaningless unless, as Cary said, it’s accompanied by the decision to take action. Without that, though, what’s the point of mentioning it? I’d go crazy and so would my husband if we felt obliged to talk about it every time we felt attracted to someone else. It’s inevitable, and it doesn’t have to be a big deal. However, the set up here – of a repeated home stay – makes me wonder if there’s more to this, and if there isn’t on either your husband or your part a desire for a threesome, or a catalyst for drama or some kind of subtext that is not being talked about here. Why else would you go courting this kind of trouble? Anyway, I’m very sorry about your dad. I love Cary’s story about his dad, and I hope you and your husband can make the peaceful decision – as your friend and your husband has – of leaving it alone and moving on.