This is not an advice column. This is commentary. Robert Aaron Long, 21 years old, of Woodstock, Georgia, was arrested Tuesday in the murders of eight people, six of whom were women of Asian descent working in massage parlors. Initial media reports indicated that he claimed he did it because he was a sex addict. Sex addiction is not a trivial matter. But right now his claim feels like a...
Cary’s classic column from Friday, Feb 20, 2004 I’m in love with a siren who lured me and is now destroying me. Dear Cary, I have been involved with a woman for one and a half years. She is well mannered, dresses nicely, has style, is extremely intelligent, and is a stunning beauty. We also share many views on the world and, for example, an obsession with the same country that we would...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, DEC 9, 2005 Dear Cary, When our two boys were small children, my husband was a very high-achieving alcoholic. He never lost his job, he never verbally or physically abused either the kids or me, he remained a good father, and he never alienated his friends or family. Indeed, to this day, no one other than me (and his treatment group participants and counselors)...
Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, JAN 12, 2012 After 15 years, suddenly she’s moody and unreachable — and I think it’s her boyfriend’s fault Dear Cary, I’m sure you’ve had letters similar to mine, but I’m sure there are others who might benefit by knowing it’s not just them who’ve dealt with a toxic friendship in their lives. I’ve dated some toxic men; one who was a verbally and...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, FEB 21, 2006 She says I must either accept the situation 100 percent or forget being maid of honor. Dear Cary, I have a very good friend who is getting married soon. She’s smart, funny, talented, beautiful and successful. We’ve been friends for about 12 years (since high school) and we’ve always had the label “best friends” on our relationship, although we’ve...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUL 15, 2009 My mother and my boyfriend want to tell me how many pills to take Dear Cary, When I was 18, I had my first kidney stone. I had lithotripsy for another at 19 and a very serious bacterial infection in my kidney in between. I am now 25, and have spent seven years with intermittent pain and urinary tract infections. In the past year, the pain has...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from December 10, 2010 Wow. We were so close in high school, and now she’s doing drugs and hanging out with gangs Dear Cary, “Jenny” and I were the best of friends in high school. We did everything together and were more like sisters than friends. After high...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, JAN 20, 2004 I grew up in an abusive household, but I’m determined to be happy. Am I capable of it? Dear Cary, I grew up in the home of a raging alcoholic, drug abuser and emotionally and verbally abusive father. For the first 18 years of my life every...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, OCT 19, 2006 It was good to separate from their alcoholic dad — but I feel bad about bringing my kids to the city. Dear Cary, My husband and I are recently separated. To make a long story short, he developed a serious drinking habit over the...
Dear Cary, I’ve been off and on, but mostly on, alcohol for over 20 years. Currently on. About eight months ago, I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend I’ve known since kindergarten. We’ve stayed close through the years but I was rather surprised by the request. Come to find out this will be a lavish affair; I am one of 12 bridesmaids and God knows how many other members...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] There are certain signs that I have a problem with alcohol, but nothing terrible has happened so far. Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, MAY 27, 2005 Dear Cary, You write so eloquently about alcoholism and drinking problems in so many of your columns that I hope you can help me. I’m...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] I know he’s screwed up, but as a little girl I idolized him Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, AUG 25, 2009 Dear Cary, This is an epically long letter — sorry. To some extent, I just needed to put it all down on paper so I could get a grip on it: see the patterns and find some coherence...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUL 20, 2005 I didn’t want to start a fight, so I told her it wasn’t so bad. But I hate what she’s doing. What should I do? Dear Cary, I am trying to be a good liberal parent who stays aware of what her 16-year-old daughter...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from Tuesday, Mar 8, 2005 I’d like to stop drinking, but does that mean completely? All week long? Dear Cary, It seems like every other letter you answer has implications of alcoholism. The common theme that I see in your letters is that people can get by...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from Wednesday, Apr 16, 2008 Now my life is all screwed up and nothing works. Dear Cary, I turn 31 in a couple of weeks, and I feel like I’m unable to get my life together. I thought I would’ve had things sorted out by now, but I don’t. I don’t feel a whole lot more...
Dear Cary, I need clarity surrounding my relationship with my two sons, 25 and 30, who until a month ago resided with me in the house I raised a family in. Both are opioid abusers (and benzodiazepines and nitrous oxide “whip-its” when they can get them) and they have systematically manifested the usual toolkit strengths of addicts … lying, cheating and stealing repeatedly...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from Friday, Jul 11, 2003 I have four kids, so should I break with my sometimes violent boyfriend? Dear Cary, I’m a mother of four: three preteen boys from my marriage at the tender age of 19, and a 3-year-old daughter with my current live-in boyfriend...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, MAY 6, 2008 We think she’s out of control, and we think she should tell her boyfriend. Dear Cary, I am writing to you to get advice about a friend of mine who has some rather troubling issues that I fear may one day turn into very serious issues...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Dear Reader, I thought that every time I do a column I would write something but today I don’t really want to write anything about myself. I really do not like writing about myself. Or do I? Actually, what happens is that initially writing about myself is frustrating because I do...
Am I doing it right? [button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Dear Reader, When I was writing the Since You Asked advice column for Salon.com, I often would meander from the “given” form in ways that some readers found aesthetically displeasing. They were experiencing genre shock. (As though...
Cary, I’m dating a man but I’m uncomfortable with some of his behaviors. He is about eight years sober and attends Alcoholics Anonymous regularly. He and I dated about four years ago and I adored him but couldn’t tolerate some of his bad behavior so the relationship ended. He seems to have grown a lot in the last four years and I was excited and hopeful to give the relationship...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Dear Cary, I have been reading your letters for years, and usually I can find plenty of guidance through your responses to others. This time, I would like your thoughts directly. I am a divorced mom of an elementary school child. I was married for a long time, and got divorced...
Back in 2008, I had the good fortune to be introduced to Cary Tennis. I was trying to make sense of a novel length story I had been working on for two years. I was self-conscious and insecure about what I had produced, and those insecurities were all but squeezing the life out of my creativity. I didn’t believe I qualified as a writer, but a story came to me with such compelling force that I...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Classic column from November 3, 2010 I can’t stop smoking pot I love smoking pot, but I think I may have a problem. I smoke it every day, and when I can’t get it, I drink Dear Cary, I smoke marijuana every day. There are times when I don’t smoke, but I’ve definitely smoked...
Judith Lindbloom, abstract expressionist, El Farolito on 24th Street in the Mission for lunch after the meeting, talking about William James, the God thing, William James says, Look, we are scientific men, Christian men, honest men, and we cannot deny what we see: People are having experiences; they have these experiences of another world and then they change. What are we to call this? How can...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Dear Cary, I’m a recovering alcoholic, married with two teenagers and a mild in-law problem that really bothers me during the holidays. To some degree, what I am struggling with is naming why my holiday situation bothers me so much. May I bend your ear? My in-laws are nice...
I’m starting to think of the Rob Ford phenomenon as a rare performance-art spectacle in which the tragic and doomed performer, seeking the death of his own ego, effects a feat of topological magic in which he turns his own id inside out. Like a DayGlo 3 a.m basement tattoo of his ravaging animal being, the awful, voracious, unquenchable id of desire appears on his red, bursting skin: Will...