Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, JUL 17, 2006
He’s e-mailing an ex-girlfriend and chatting with strange women — and he gets defensive when I mention it.
Dear Cary,
I can’t tell if I’m paranoid or justified at this point, and maybe you won’t be able to tell, either, but I guess I just need someone else to think about this for a minute, because I’m exhausted.
I’ve been married for 13 years. We’ve had our ups and down, but thankfully, it’s been mostly up. We’ve got a small collection of children of various ages, and a busy, engaged life.
A few months ago, I got up early one morning to find my husband’s e-mail open, and in particular, a letter minimized on the screen. Clueless, I opened it, and was horrified to read a rather plaintive and deeply personal letter to his ex-girlfriend. Reading the entire letter, and the history of the e-mail trail as it bounced along, I was quick to realize he had been searching for her.
I chose not to say anything, because I couldn’t figure out what to say, other than I was hurt that he hadn’t told me about the contact.
A few weeks ago, he asked me to open his e-mail while he was at work to retrieve a phone number. Not only was there further communication from her, there was also communication from other women, like the women at the bank where he does business, and it referenced phone calls. There was nothing overtly sexual about them, but they were personal. When I managed to work one of the women’s names into a conversation, he flat-out lied to me and denied ever talking to her or writing to her. I know he did. I saw it.
I don’t know what to do. After I saw the last contacts, I confronted him. He’s furious with me, just spitting mad that I read his e-mail. I’m furious that it appears that he is trolling for women on the Internet. He says they are all just friends, but this isn’t like him. And my internal radar has gone off so loudly I can hardly hear anything else. He says it’s in my head, and it may be. I think the better guess is that he’s cheating, or planning to cheat, and he’s angry that he’s been caught.
Any ideas on the next step? He’s insisting that I’m paranoid and that he’s never given me reason to doubt him. I think writing and calling women secretively is a pretty big reason to have pause.
On Shaky Ground
Dear On Shaky Ground,
I can’t know whether he is cheating or thinking about cheating. But I suggest you give some thought to the following.
Is it OK in principle for him to have female friends that you don’t know about? Are there specific women friends that make you feel uncomfortable?
If there are, I suggest you tell him: When you communicate with your ex-girlfriend, I feel threatened. Or: These particular women make me uneasy.
You may be thinking that he should just know. But it is possible that he doesn’t. So get very specific.
What about thoughts? What if he communicates with a woman and wonders what it would be like to put his hand on her motorcycle? What if he actually touches her motorcycle? Does he have to tell you that? What if he touches her motorcycle but they don’t ride anywhere?
This could get tedious. But what I’m getting at is that you may have a detailed map in your head of what is OK and not OK but he doesn’t know that map very well. He needs to get to know that map.
Consider the problem of building and repairing trust, as discussed in this dry but possibly useful article. Reading and thinking about this might help you come to see trust as an actual phenomenon that needs to be strengthened and understood in your relationship.
This much is clear: He may be telling the truth, and he may be being candid. But he is not being candid enough to suit you. You require more trust-building behavior from him. I hope you can get it.
He wants you to trust him more. How can he get you to trust him more? Perhaps he can be more transparent and forthcoming in his accounts of his whereabouts, his comings and goings, his entrances and exits, his kisses and his handshakes, whom he writes to and how, how he talks to whom and for what reason and about what topics.
What is this, a prison? He may ask. Yes, you might reply: It is the prison of profound responsibility.
I was suspicious that my spouse was being unfaithful but had no concrete proof. To ensure I handled the situation ethically and responsibly, I hired a professional SEFTYHUB to assess the security of our shared devices. HE performed a egal and transparent audit of our phones with my consent, focusing on any vulnerabilities or suspicious activities. During the process, they uncovered a series of encrypted messages and hidden apps that my spouse had been using to communicate with someone else. SEFTYHUB provided me with detailed evidence, which allowed me to confront the situation directly and make informed decisions about my relationship. While the discovery was difficult, the ethical approach taken by the hacker ensured that everything was done within legal and moral boundaries. This clarity gave me peace of mind and helped me take the necessary steps forward in my life. CONTACT HIM
VIA EMAIL
SEFTYHUB@GMAIL COM
I was suspicious that my spouse was being unfaithful but had no concrete proof. To ensure I handled the situation ethically and responsibly, I hired a professional SEFTYHUB to assess the security of our shared devices. HE performed a legal and transparent audit of our phones with my consent, focusing on any vulnerabilities or suspicious activities. During the process, they uncovered a series of encrypted messages and hidden apps that my spouse had been using to communicate with someone else. SEFTYHUB provided me with detailed evidence, which allowed me to confront the situation directly and make informed decisions about my relationship. While the discovery was difficult, the ethical approach taken by the hacker ensured that everything was done within legal and moral boundaries. This clarity gave me peace of mind and helped me take the necessary steps forward in my life. CONTACT HIM
VIA EMAIL
SEFTYHUB@GMAIL COM
I’ve seen situations like this before, and one thing I always tell people is to trust patterns, not just feelings.
If someone suddenly becomes overly protective of their phone, changes routines, or becomes emotionally distant, those can be signs—but they’re not proof on their own.
The best thing to do first is communication. Try to have a calm and honest conversation instead of accusing them. If things still don’t add up, then you may need to look deeper into the situation or seek advice from people who have gone through it.
At the end of the day, peace of mind matters. Don’t ignore your instincts, but also don’t act without clarity.
USe/: [email protected]
for assist
I don’t like to do this but My wife was always coming home late, making calls in private and denying me the privileges that i deserved, so i had to look for a way to find out what was going on and then i came across this hacker named Henry Clark who really helped me in accessing her Facebook, Whatsapp, Text messages, Email, Snapchat, IG, Call logs, i also retrieved her recently deleted messages and monitored her GPS location. I was really heartbroken when i saw her sneaky talks with other men and how they have been making a mess of themselves but the hacker really saved my life because finding out the truth about her would have been so so impossible for me. Just in case you need similar help, I strongly advise that you contact the hacker via this email: [email protected],, .. For a quick response, tell him who referred you.
well, I didn’t write this, but I could have!
Husband sounds like he is gas lighting LW. This “it’s all in your head” thing is a dead giveaway. And his anger and defensiveness at getting caught too. Not a good sign. He may be having emotional affairs but they can be as damaging as physical affairs because the intimacy is being sought elsewhere.
I was in a similar situation in my long term relationship. I discovered my boyfriend was lying by omission. He was seeing and spending time with other women when he wasn’t with me. To the best of my knowledge, he wasn’t having sex with them, but I think he liked that they were younger and that the possibility existed for something more intimate. There was lots of flirting in the conversations I saw, but mostly on his part. In his mind, he wasn’t cheating. In my mind, he most definitely was cheating. When confronted, he never could acknowledge that he had violated my trust and turned it back on me for being hurt. It took a year and a half, and several more revelations of these kinds of subversive relationships before I walked out. You already know your husband is lying to you. If he won’t acknowledge it, you need to reevaluate and put YOUR foot down. He has violated your trust.