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Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, SEP 10, 2007
This couple is about to have a baby and there’s no room for me — but it’s my place!
Dear Cary,
About three years ago, a good friend of mine from college needed a place to live … fast. As it turned out, I needed a roommate. I was living in a really nice apartment I could not afford on my own, so it seemed like a perfect solution. He has been a great roommate; we’ve had a ton of fun; I thought things were going well.
Earlier this year, he told me his girlfriend was pregnant and he wanted her to move in with us so they could cut expenses, save money for the baby, etc. I agreed. The girlfriend was a good roommate as well and I tried to be as supportive as possible while she was here. For example, my roommate came down with a bad flu. I let him sleep in my room (so she wouldn’t catch it), and I slept on the couch for a week. I even drove her to a couple of her appointments while he was down. It wasn’t a big deal, I was very happy to do it and I never felt inconvenienced by it, so I didn’t really expect a great deal of thanks. Again, I thought things were going well.
The baby is due in less than a month. I’m no expert, but looking at the girlfriend it seems to me she could go anytime now. Last week they sat me down because they wanted to “talk” about how things were going to go after the baby arrived. I told them I was pretty sure I could live with a baby in the place and did not anticipate any major problems. That’s when they told me I misunderstood their meaning and that they wanted me to move out, preferably before they brought the baby home.
I was stunned. They assured me it wasn’t because of anything I’d done, but now that they were a family they didn’t think it was appropriate for me to be on the scene. I told them that if that was the case, perhaps the solution was for them to move. They made it clear they did not consider that an option. I asked if they intended to defer any of the costs I would ring up moving on such short notice. They said they would help as much as they could, but with the baby on the way, things were tight. I didn’t need to ask what that meant.
I don’t know how to think about this rationally, let alone formulate a solution. I feel completely betrayed. My dad used to always say, “No good deed goes unpunished,” and now I know what he meant. Part of me wants to say “Tough luck” and stay. The other parts of me feel like that sort of tension and conflict would be bad for the kid, and I really don’t want to do that to the baby. But I don’t want to feel my good nature was taken advantage of to get me out of my own home.
Opinion is divided in my immediate circle of friends. Some think I should tough it out. The others think whether the request is reasonable or not, I have to leave and that it makes no sense to dwell on it (easier said than done). One friend had an interesting take. He thinks my mistake was letting her move into the apartment in the first place. By letting her move in, letting him sleep in by bed, driving her about, etc., I’d signaled I’d agree to any request they made, and only now have they gotten around to making one too unreasonable for me to go along with.
I suppose I’ll have to go, but I hate the way this all feels. Any thoughts, advice, perspective I haven’t considered?
Almost Homeless
Dear Almost Homeless,
What I really want to say is that this is outrageous. It is wrong. It is offensive. I want to say that you should kick these folks out and let them find their own place to have a baby and raise a family, that this is your apartment. You have done everything for them, and this is how they repay you?
I want to say that these folks obviously conned you, maneuvered you into a corner, took advantage of your kindness, and that you should kick them out.
But I don’t think I can say that. Instead, it looks like you are going to have to find a new place.
I hate to say that. It doesn’t sound right. But I’m no landlord-tenant attorney. I’m just a guy who thinks he knows what’s right and what’s wrong and what’s outrageous. So I called somebody who is a landlord-tenant attorney. He groaned. He gnashed his teeth. He cursed the gods. And then he, too, said it: The best thing to do is probably to go.
How can this be? Where is the justice in this world?
Well, without venturing into the troublesome area of possibly appearing to give legal advice, I will just say that throwing a mother and infant out on the street never looks that good. You knew the woman was pregnant when you let her live there. That’s not going to look so good either if you have to explain to anyone why you threw them out on the street. Finally, I will just say some words that the landlord-tenant attorney said to me: “Housing discrimination against families with children.” I’m not sure exactly what those words mean in your case, but they have a certain ring to them, don’t they?
Now, I don’t know what laws govern your situation, and I’m not giving legal advice. I’m just saying that throwing mothers with infants onto the street does not play well in front of any kind of audience, and living with a squawling infant and the squawling infant’s cranky parents in cramped quarters that used to be yours alone — out of which you increasingly feel squeezed and displaced! — could drive you to alarming extremes of rage and despair.
So I think you’d better start looking for a new place. (If you really want to fight them on this, talk to a lawyer before you do anything.)
When disputes arise over housing, primal emotions surface. The milk of human kindness mysteriously evaporates and is replaced by poisonous venom. This is not so hard to understand. When you start wondering where you will shelter your head in the rain, you get in touch with deep survival fears. Watch a lifetime of socialization fly out the window. It’s “Lord of the Flies” time.
And you, my friend, got yourself into this. I don’t see any way out but to find a new place — unless you could somehow demonstrate to this new family that their best interests are served by moving. I don’t have any idea how you could do that, but it’s worth a thought. If, for instance, there were to be free childcare available to them somewhere, or … I dunno. You say this is a great place. It probably is. You’re just going to have to find another great place. Maybe you have great instincts in this regard. If you did it once, you can do it again.
So go out and get yourself a new place. Use whatever skills you used the first time you got a place.
Here is something else the attorney said to me, in a more general way. He routinely advises tenants to watch for and avoid a couple of situations: Do not live in the same building as your landlord. And avoid tenancies where you are the obvious underdog. That would include situations in which you are outnumbered by people with different views or strong interpersonal connections, or in which, as in your case, you find yourself ceding privileges to others because of their presumably greater needs, and you end up in the role of a caretaker. This is sort of what your friend was saying to you. You placed yourself in a situation in which they were almost invited to take advantage of you.
In a larger sense, you may want to think about the caretaking role that you have played in this situation. Try to become conscious of the motives and personal history that bring this caretaking behavior into play. Query yourself about the assumptions you may have made that justify it, the situations in which this behavior arises. You say it was no trouble to sleep on the couch for a week, and perhaps it wasn’t. But think about the message it sent. Who sleeps on the couch? A person who is moving out! So perhaps to them, unconsciously, it was as though you were already moving out. Ask yourself what you wanted from this friend of yours that you would give up so much for him. Were you perhaps trying to replace something lacking in your own life, perhaps trying to re-create a happy family? If so, this is a sad paradox, that by seeking a family through kindness you would find yourself displaced. But think about it, in reference to your own history. Maybe there is something significant there.
And consider this as well: It is not always good to be kind. It is not good to be kind, for instance, when being so gives people the wrong idea. Your friends evidently got the wrong idea — that you would do whatever you needed to do to take care of them. They should have had the personal strength to resist such an impression, to see that you were simply a little weak in the area of saying no, that you would say yes even to your own detriment. But they didn’t resist. They took your kindness for granted. And now look where you are.
So kindness is not always so good.
Try some blatant unkindness. You might be amazed at the results.
OMG, are you kidding me? I would throw her out on her pregnant ass. Just because she is a mother to be and will have an infant soon, doesnt mean she isnt being an asshole who took gross advantage of you or that your rights do not count. You have done so many things for them and this is how they treat you and I cannot believe the advice from Cary is to move out. Why? This is your place, you did THEM a favor so they should move out. Dont feel bad because you have done everything you could to help – but now you will have to move out of your place and take their shit because she is pregnant? Tough. First of all, that is her choice, so she has to live with her choice – I dont know why society always expects everyone to give pregnant people all sorts of breaks and considerations even if they are being horrible people, for choices THEY made.
These people took advantage of you, they used you and you dont owe them and their infant shit. I would kick them out on their asses – who cares what others think. You think they will help you with moving out and cover the expenses? Are you that naive? The guy is gonna come and tell you now that he will have a baby he doesnt have money for you. You should know that by now. It is easy for people who dont have to go through this to sit back and ride their high horse and say “yeah, move out for the baby” but I doubt most of them would do that.
You should stand your ground and kick her out and also tell them how deeply disappointed you are in how they are treating you. Put THEM on the defense. Go to one of those eviction services, they will file all papers for you (for a fee, of course) and then the eviction proceedings will start.
I noted that the reason Cary and his landlord consultant all say move out is because everyone is melting like butter because the mother is pregnant. That woman could crap on a plate and serve it to you for breakfast and they would still her, “give her a break, she will be a mommy soon.” Again, tough shit. It is her choice and i hope people are not suggesting that now YOU be responsible for someone else;s child too. When they found out she was pregnant, they should have looked for and found their apartment. Not like she showed up at your door being 11 months pregnant, bitch had months to think about this, instead they figured they shit on you and dont do the right thing and be responsible. These people are parasites.
Yes, no good deed goes unpunished and as long as you let people treat you like a pushover, nothing will change about that because in the end, YOU decide what happens after such an outcome.
All the comments made, including mine. support YOU! None of us know how this situation worked out. 7 YEARS have passed now. I feel we all would like to learn how this horrible situation worked out.
Another case of KINDNESS BEING MISINTERPRETED for WEAKNESS!!
This struck a chord in all of us, for good reason.
Are you familiar with Masloff’s Hierarchy of Needs? Imagine the shape of a Triangle. The lowest part of a triangle is the widest. It represents our most BASIC of Human Needs. They include SHELTER, FOOD, WATER…our most primal of needs. YOU, unfortunately put your most basic needs in jeopardy, and as other caring human beings, we are responding 7 years after this betrayal took place, I for one, just reading about your plight.
Here is my fantasy for you. That ONLY your name was on the lease. Unfortunately, my gut feelings tell me that your landlord asked your supposed friend to sign a new lease with you. I hope I am wrong. But since you did NOT mention your landlord and lease, I wonder.
My fantasy is that ONLY your name is on the lease, and that your landlord saw how these people took cruel advantage of you. And, that you stayed in that apartment, and re-claimed your original primal space
I agree with NANCY’s comment. But you definitely needed a real estate attorney, and a cooperative landlord, in this very sticky of situations.
Perhaps, Cary felt you have/had an innate talent for finding another great apartment. My fantasy continues that THEY HAD to MOVE OUT!
Your plight effected everyone who responded…with sincere care and great questions/comments.
Cary, thanks for calling this crappy behavior out!! Despicable behavior, to say the least.
We can only hope it worked out in your favor, because your story punched us all, metaphorically speaking, in out guts.
We truly dislike/despise turning a decent person into an underdog.
I feel you received some wise advise and empathy.
Cary is very right, when he mentioned that kindness should not be given in every situation. No one, including myself has shamed you. You were too decent towards people who are manipulative, don’t know boundaries or gratitude.
You strike me as a person that when shafted and knocked down, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and overcome. This is part of my good wishes for you.
I hope you have found Cary’s new website. I feel we all want to know how this all turned out. You most certainly have gained insight from this unexpected upheaval that shocked you to your core.
Friendship, real friendship takes a lot of time to grow, and even then, there will be those that throw us nasty curve balls, when we are being kind and accommodating. I sincerely desire that you have learned to ALWAYS take care of yourself FIRST. We are talking about surviving and more relevant…learning how to PERSONALLY THRIVE!!
My heart goes out to you. These jerks bit the hand that helped and then added insult to injury. Disgusting AND outrageous.
YOU HAVE A POSSE OF PEOPLE HERE THAT CARE about you and this terrible situation.
That is TRUTH!! WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST, and watch your back, ALWAYS!!
And, one last thing…let people EARN any kindness you choose to offer, and only do kind things if it will NOT negatively EVER EFFECT YOUR OWN PERSONAL SAFETY! And, shelter from the storm, is something you provide to YOU FIRST!! In my opinion, that is self-preservation, NOT selfishness!! Best of EVERYTHING to you, dear Soul. Shore up your boundaries, and I truly want you to add this to your Toolbox for Survival!!
There is one right answer to LW’s question:
Whoever is on the lease should stay until the lease runs out. Even if it’s all of them.
Whoever is on the lease is liable financially for both rent and the condition of the apartment. It would be very unwise to leave.
When the lease is up – LW should weigh his desire to stay in the apartment vs. the cost to him should the couple move out.
He should in no way feel obligated to go based only on his roommates’ situation.
It is a legal question and he should consult a lawyer. I understand some states will consider someone a tenant if they’ve stayed over a certain period of time whether or not their name is on a lease or deed but that would not overrule the right to stay of those who ARE on the lease or deed.
But if he can’t afford a lawyer – read the lease!
PS you are way too nice. These people are @$$holes. Do not let them take advantage of you.
It occurred to me that the LW was looking purely for a morally contextual answer and didn’t need the legalities spelled out.
Morally you owe them nothing. You and the friend in question did each other a favor when he originally moved in. His girlfriend being pregnant doesn’t morally obligate you.
Legalities & contractual agreements in this case trump any perceived moral obligation. When it comes down to it, that is what contracts and laws are for – to document moral obligations.
Ugh, this is harsh. But I think there is an important point being raised in the comments: If only you, the LW, are on the lease, you can’t simply move out as it would constitute breaking your agreement with your landlord and you would be on the hook for the rent whether you’re living there or not. That would be even worse, if you had to pay and not even get to live there, so be careful about that. If your friends are on the lease as well, or if your male friend is on the lease, then that changes things. But either way, you have to talk to your landlord about this and be sure you are acting in accordance with the agreement you signed. Come to think of it, I feel strongly that you should contact your city’s tenant protection agency and get their advice. Some states favor landlord, some tenants. If you are the sole lease holder you could be both, landlord to your friends and tenant to your landlord. I’m not trying to give legal advice but I’ve had occasion to engage with such questions and know that it can be a little tricky.
On a personal note, somehow, you strike me as kind of happy-go-lucky, whether real or projected on your part. You strike me as someone who, for some reason, is not thinking certain things through. Could be laziness, as in it’s easier to just get along, or something else, such as an issue of self-worth. Or maybe you’re afraid to speak up. It seems to me you have been ceding a little too much ground a little too easily without eyeing the situation with a discerning gaze. I say this because your friends’ astonishing and shameful disregard of you, their ugly overstepping of your boundaries—the kind anyone would have—by asking you to move out, that selfishness, self-absorption and unreasonable self-importance/regard (maybe even narcissism) MUST have shown up elsewhere in some form.
I’m saying there were signs, as there always are, to which you didn’t give your due attention. If so, there is a reason for that. If so, a possible candidate is an attempt at buying love which is the flip-side of lack of self-worth. Or it could simpler in that you just don’t have good boundaries because you didn’t learn how to have and maintain them in your family. Or as I mentioned earlier, you may be afraid of conflict.
So, in closing I’d like to say, get clear on your legal responsibilities regarding your rental agreement, move out if that works, get a little help in learning how to face conflict and stand up for yourself, give some attention to learning to set healthy boundaries and being yourself, which means to be a person who is not always nice to a fault, because that is a human being’s most natural state: Sometimes we’re nice, sometimes we’re not. Sometimes we help, sometimes we don’t. Or if you are absolutely wedded to bending over backwards for friends, which would mean you’re a total sweetheart, then extend this to yourself—be a great friend to you and start bending over backwards for yourself, too. Blessings on your journey.
Whose name is on the lease? If it’s yours, they move. If you put his name on the lease, then it’s tricky, but you could stay and they would likely move soon.
It may not be up to you, but your landlord. Who is on the lease? Can you break it and still leave the other folks there, or do they need to sign a new lease?
My grandmother signed the deed to her cottage over to her 33 year old son. He moved in with his wife and two children. Then, he died suddenly of a heart attack after lifting a church bell out of a station wagon…His wife threw grandma out! She lived with us and her other children for the rest of her life. So it goes.