[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button]
Cary’s classic column from Tuesday, Jul 17, 2012
He followed me on a work-related move and now he’s sitting around reading comic books
Cary,
About six months ago, I got a major promotion that came with a moderate pay raise. I needed to transfer from my company’s Northern California office to our office in Georgia. I had been dating a man for just under a year when I got the promotion, and he was less than supportive and took the news quite hard. After days of fights and tears, he apologized and said he wanted to be with me wherever I was. I never asked him to come with me … he just kind of tagged along. But I loved him, so it was OK.
Fast-forward six months. He hates it here. It’s too hot. It’s too humid. There are no mountains. The bugs freak him out. He hates our apartment. And he’s unemployed. He’s a chemist by trade and can’t seem to find a job. He tells me that everywhere he looks, nobody is hiring. That may be true, but when I come home at night I never see him looking. He never tells me he’s been out dropping off résumés or networking. He fills out one online application per day and then reads his comic books. He’s in his mid-30s, and I am absolutely appalled at this man’s lack of motivation and inability to sell himself as a valuable employee to another company.
I told myself that if the shoe were on the other foot, I know he’d do the same for me. But if the shoe were on the other foot, I’d be flipping burgers somewhere in the interim so I felt I was carrying my weight financially. His bills have piled up. I’m paying rent plus utilities, plus MY bills, plus buying his food. And it drains me down to the last penny every month. The original deal I made with myself was that he had 30 days before I kicked him out. But six months later I can’t do it. I can’t work up the nerve to break his heart. And he can’t afford to move anywhere anyway … so I don’t know what good breaking up with him would serve. But I know this is not the man I am supposed to be with, and I have totally fallen out of love with him. I need a man with a professional drive and ambition that matches mine. I need a man who shows that he can be a provider. This man is neither of those things. How do I bow out gracefully?
Sole Provider
Dear Sole Provider,
The important thing is to bow out, even if it’s not graceful. His attachment to you may be a kind of love, but it does not sound like the kind of mature, independent, big-hearted love that would allow him to applaud your good fortune and wish you well on your journey.
