Dear Cary, I hate my family of origin. I recently discovered that I grew up in a mostly narcissistic family, with a narc mother who subtly but persistently projected her own guilt and shame and anger about her situation onto us, her six children. During those childhood years, we – my siblings and I – felt so much compassion for her suffering. It seemed like almost overnight our...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, SEP 27, 2011 Her husband died so I came to help. Now they act like I don’t exist Dear Mr. Tennis, I am a 65-year-old woman who has had a long and interesting life. During a particularly “interesting” time (think job loss, forced relocation, job search) I found myself estranged from my eldest child, a daughter 40 years of age, who had recently become part of a...
Cary’s classic column from Monday, Aug 12, 2013 I live with an awful history, and sometimes it is too much for me Dear Cary, I am writing with a problem that makes my heart physically ache. Let me briefly lay the groundwork first, and then I will present the problem. I was married for almost 20 years to a man who had three children from his first marriage. We had three more ourselves, and I...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, MAR 31, 2003 My family taught me to be an independent woman, but now they want me to find a man. Dear Cary, As a 32-year-old single female I have been told my whole life that I don’t need a man. I can be educated (I am), have a career (I am working on it) and own a home (I do). The importance of being independent was drilled into me from an early age and to be...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, JUN 5, 2006 Uncle Danny shows up in his R.V. for four-month “visits,” gobbling up our food and paying nothing. Dear Cary, My husband and I are a professional couple in our mid-30s who have a house in a revitalized urban area in North Carolina. Since we moved into our house four years ago, my husband’s uncle — let’s call him Uncle Danny — has started visiting us...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAY 30, 2007 He’s in and out of jail, he hardly works, and he always gets thrown out of where he’s staying. Dear Cary, I need some advice. I have a 30-year-old brother who has been in and out of jail and constantly needs my help. My mother and father are divorced and are alcoholics and cannot help him at all. I have built a life with my husband and two kids...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, AUG 22, 2008 02:50 AM PDT He thought he’d be returning home to die. But she just strung him along until he was gone. Dear Cary: My elderly father had been ill. After improving, he went directly from the hospital into a nursing home. We never told him he was never coming home. My mother said keeping up some sort of illusion of his eventual return was a way to...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, DEC 14, 2007 I seem to be OK on the outside, but inside … you don’t even want to know. Dear Cary, I have never written to an advice column before, and I chose you because although I sometimes disagree with your advice, I find I can never predict what that advice will be based on the advisee’s letter. Here’s my problem: I secretly hate myself. I know why...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUN 25, 2003 I view affection as a remedy for stress. My wife views the removal of all stress as a prerequisite to affection. Dear Cary, I have been married for eight years now and my love life is in dire straits. When I say “love life,” I mean the whole package, not just sex. Hugs, kisses, casual brushes, smiles, compliments. When I look back, I wonder if I...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, JUL 1, 2005 My problem is, I think I love my East Coast family more. Dear Cary, I’m hoping you can help with something that weighs on my mind a little heavier each day. I’m a 25-year-old professional woman, raised in Pennsylvania with four little brothers and sisters aged 18-23 whom I adore. A few years ago, I was working a post-college first job near my family...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUL 15, 2009 My mother and my boyfriend want to tell me how many pills to take Dear Cary, When I was 18, I had my first kidney stone. I had lithotripsy for another at 19 and a very serious bacterial infection in my kidney in between. I am now 25, and have spent seven years with intermittent pain and urinary tract infections. In the past year, the pain has...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, JUN 8, 2010 My husband and my brother are estranged because of a business deal Dear Cary, Earlier this year, around the time of your cancer diagnosis, you wrote about letting go of a long-held resentment. I am particularly interested in this topic because of a family conflict that has gone on for years in an understated way. Whenever it interferes with my life...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, SEP 4, 2007 I know I can’t support him anymore — I need to save for retirement. What do I do? Dear Cary, I’m a single mother with a grown son. I love him more than I can say. He’s a good person, a great guy in so many ways — smart, creative, kind...
Hi Cary, Something new is happening and I honestly feel like I’m in a corner. Politically I am liberal. I am also atheist. And I consider myself a very tolerant and accepting person. I will, for example accept that your favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla, and that you say you love it, while mine is tiramisu. But, if you say vanilla is absolutely, without a doubt the best flavor, not to...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, SEP 17, 2012 I only got a generic notice, as if I were just a bystander, or an acquaintance! Dear Cary, It’s my turn. I need advice. I opened my mail earlier this week and found a wedding announcement — from my son. My son, whom I raised alone since he...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, JUN 19, 2007 I am a secular person, I do not like the color pink, and I need to manage my disease my own way. Dear Cary, I am a 47-year-old happily married woman with four children who was recently diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. It’s been a...
Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, DEC 13, 2012 Dear Mr. Tennis, I have a fairly simple holiday question to ask you. But I fear that even though the question is simple the answer, or advice, may be much more complicated. So here goes… In all of your intuitive sagacity do you believe that it would be bad form to ask family members if they could contribute to helping pay outstanding debts (i.e...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, APR 29, 2005 As a student of biology, I fear that genes are destiny. I feel powerless to individuate! Dear Cary, My parents are pretty nice people. They raised me and my brother in an upper-middle-class neighborhood, provided us with food, attention and...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUN 7, 2006 I’m accomplished and responsible but they treat me like a loser. Dear Cary, I have a great job, own my own home, car, dog and medium-size 401K, have put myself through college and law school. I am not a loser! So why does my whole family...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, JUL 28, 2003 I’m in love with a man I work with. We’re both married with kids but we don’t want to break up our families. Dear Cary, I’m in love with a man I work with. He’s married, I’m married, both of us have kids — hard to make it sound original...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from Friday, May 23, 2008 I would like to help them celebrate their 50th anniversary, but I dread being in the same room with that man. Dear Cary, When I was a teenager, I was sexually abused by my older brother. I’ve been through three different therapists trying...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, JUN 8, 2006 I’m only 21 but I’m itching to get hitched! Dear Cary, For slightly over a year I have been in a serious relationship with the best human being I have ever met. He’s principled, loyal, wickedly funny and just the right kind of twisted. We...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, JAN 6, 2005 We’ve been in counseling for about six months now, but it doesn’t seem to be affecting them. Dear Cary, You and other sage advice givers often recommend that people seek therapy for their problems, especially when a couple or family needs...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] I’m sick, got no job, dad just died, living with Mom, her mind is gone, I owe people money, what’s the point? Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JAN 19, 2011 Dear Cary, I am 48, have hep C and Stage 2 cirrhosis of the liver. I have no job, missed too much work sick. Mom is all I...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] I desperately needed money so I agreed to her terms, but I find them chilling and bizarre Cary’s classic column from Sunday, Nov 21, 2010 Dear Cary, Almost 10 years ago my wealthy aunt loaned me some money. I have not seen or spoken to this aunt in many years now, nor have I repaid the...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Do I boycott the wedding? Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, DEC 28, 2010 Dear Cary, My sister, who is 34 to my 30, has been dating a man in his early 40s on and off for the past 10 years. To give you some background on his character, when she first met him, he was in his early 30s...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] We’ve got a great life going. Let’s not spoil it. Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, APR 9, 2009 Dear Cary, I had a great childhood, full of country walks and art projects and picture books. My parents loved each other and they loved me and my siblings. I was not, despite all...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Dear Cary, Caitlyn Jenner recently made the poignant comment that, had she not transitioned, when the time came for her to die (as a man), she would have lain on her deathbed and thought, “I have blown my entire life.” I cannot stop thinking about that; it haunts me daily...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] My charismatic ex married a pretty young thing Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, APR 13, 2011 After 13 years and two kids, we still weren’t even married. So I’m burned but I’m not even the ex-wife Dear Cary, First of all, I want to tell you that I’ve been reading your column for...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] I know he’s screwed up, but as a little girl I idolized him Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, AUG 25, 2009 Dear Cary, This is an epically long letter — sorry. To some extent, I just needed to put it all down on paper so I could get a grip on it: see the patterns and find some coherence...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] I’m not sure how much filial devotion I owe my father, now that he’s talking about buying a rifle. Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, APR 4, 2007 Dear Cary, Since our mother’s death four and a half years ago, the burden of caring for our elderly father has fallen to my siblings and me...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] The family’s never gotten along, but I want to give my bride the wedding of her dreams. Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, SEP 23, 2004 Dear Cary, I’m 26 years old and divorced. I’m engaged to be married to my best friend from college, the woman I should have been with since day one...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] He’s a Vietnam vet and a retired civil servant. Now his mind’s been warped by Fox News! He’s gone Obama-nuts! (Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2010) Dear Cary, I am writing because I am feeling more and more estranged from my father in the last few years, and I would like...
Should I pick up and move four hours away to be with the man I love? Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, MAR 19, 2007 Dear Cary, I have to make a decision and I need your help. Decisions have never been my forte, but for the past 11 years I’ve been able to make them pretty well because I had a kid. When you have a kid you make decisions that will help the kid. As much as possible. So I went back...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] I take care of everything, but who takes care of me? Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, FEB 28, 2005 Dear Cary, I’m a woman living in a Franken-family of six: my partner, his two kids and my two kids. The kids are never here all at once but are here almost every day in some...