Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, JAN 26, 2007
I think I made a big mistake. Home ownership isn’t what I thought it would be.
Dear Cary:
I am 35 years old, and we recently bought our first house. I have cried every day since. Our house is an older fixer-upper. All I could see when we looked at it was lots of potential. Most of my TV time is spent watching shows like “Flip This House” or “Designed to Sell.” They make it look so easy. There were so many red flags, but for some reason I persisted. I was determined I could do it, and now I am consumed by guilt and regret. My fiancé did not want to buy this house but agreed to because he wanted to make me happy.
We were able to get a mortgage, with no money down, that covered the closing costs. We have no savings and love to spend money. I had it in my mind that this would be a good way for us to get our finances in order, as we would have to start saving money. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I was so consumed with the American dream of owning a house to raise my son in and having the dog, garage, etc., that I lost sight of the true picture.
This dream has turned into a nightmare. I think too much emphasis is put on the ultimate dream of being a homeowner. Along with being a homeowner comes great, great responsibility, and this is a very scary thing. I now feel that maybe I am not cut out to be a homeowner. I doubted myself along the way, but everyone kept saying, “You will be so happy,” and, “It is the best investment you will ever make.”
We have the finances to make the payments and start saving, but I still cannot get past the sadness I feel. Looking back, I never had a great feeling about this, but I blamed it on the amount of work we needed to do on the house and the overwhelming task of moving.
I think we could sell and make what we have put into the house so far, and at this point, I am even willing to take a loss. This is a heavy, heavy burden that has left me feeling so empty. Is this something that will pass, or should I try to get out now so I can get my sanity back? I know I used poor judgment and made a mistake that will not be easily fixed, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in this lonely, sad place that I am at right now. Please help.
Sincerely,
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
If you are crying every day and you feel much guilt and remorse, I would suggest getting checked out to see if you are having more than just the usual “I just bought a house” jitters. Do you have someone you can go to — a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist? It might be nothing, but it might be biochemical in nature. It’s always best to find out.
I’m no doctor. That’s why I’m suggesting you see one.
I’m no paragon of emotional stability, either, and I do recall feeling Oh My God What Have We Done after my wife and I purchased our first — and only — house in 1997. There was some feeling also of letdown after intense drama. Houses act powerfully on the psyche, that’s for sure.
So check in with somebody, a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. It may be something as simple as a hormonal letdown after months of anxiety and adrenaline-fueled highs; you may just need to spend a month eating three square meals a day, exercising and getting eight hours sleep.
Barring anything biochemical, perhaps things in your psyche have come together in this house-buying experience in a kind of perfect storm. Houses can bring all our insanities together within four walls, consolidating all our emotional debt into one huge monthly freakout. And maybe that’s what it is. The house could also be a metaphor for your ambivalence about commitment versus staying free, and all your fear about being tied down and not having choices — and you have a son and a fiancé, which indicates you may also be teetering on the brink of marriage/not marriage. Perhaps you’ve avoided this kind of panic before by not pulling the trigger.
But you wanted to see if you could do it and you did it. Good for you. I do that too. I want to see if I can do it because I’ve never done it before and always wondered. Like doing a remodel: Wonder what that’s like. Now I know. It makes your house pretty. But you go insane.
We adults do these things. We move big sums of money around. We make debt. We have kids. We do big adult things that that are hard to reverse. It’s not play. Maybe that’s what makes it scary: Play is reversible; you can start the game over again; you can knock down a Lego house and build it right back up again. But a real house is a house is a house is a house.
Up to a point. You do have a choice. The house is the house is the house — but only if you let the house be the house be the house. You can always sell the house sell the house sell the house. (Is there an editor in the house? Will somebody please stop me stop me stop me?)
The house can go away is what I’m saying, and you will still be the same person. You may be right that home ownership is not all it’s cracked up to be. You can say, You know what, I’d rather rent. Who needs all this responsibility? (Personally, I give serious thought to the joys of carefree apartment living about once a day.)
So take a deep breath and say out loud, I can always sell the house. I don’t have to do this if I don’t want to.
Say out loud: Either way I will be OK.
The house is not going to kill you. It’s just a place to sleep at night.
Buying a house is often anticlimactic. Give it 2 years.
Cell gives very good advice.
I am wondering if some of this depression is caused by the shift from spending to paying a mortgage. This is a couple who likes spending money, and did not save a deposit for the home. There must be a lot of resentment toward the home, because it is an enforced type of saving. And possibly, the shopping and blowing money was essential to lifting her mood.
After 20 years in the same house, I am moving, and having similar problems! The house needs major work, the basement is a damp nightmare, all the cupboards need scrubbing down, etc etc and I am in tears every day. I want to get rid of my house!
People move all the time – folks in the military can move every 2 years or so. Think of this as your starter home, and do some fixing up – then bring in a realtor and see what he/she says – you might be surprised – you might end up making some money off of this first investment. Go ahead and think of it as a flip. For whatever reason, it doesn’t feel like home to you. But you don’t need to be stuck there. And do see a doctor – are you inhaling a lot of dust from remodeling? Is there mold in your basement or bathroom? It can make you sick quick. One more piece of advice: carve out a little place in the house just for you that is bright and clean and happy- a chair by the window, a bedroom, a spot in the kitchen. Make it cozy and retreat there when you are blue to read, listen to music, daydream. You probably have many houses in your future, don’t let this one get you down.