Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, AUG 5, 2004
I thought my husband was stupid, but he’s just got attention deficit disorder.
Dear Cary,
I’m 40 years old, married for 19 years, with three boys ages 4, 8 and 14, who are constantly and completely amazing to me. I never finished college and I married at 21.
I suppose that it’s also no surprise that a marriage that starts out so young is a rocky one, but we had a real revelation this week. For the past two months I had secretly been thinking, “You know, maybe the problem is just that he’s stupid.”
He does the dumbest things and makes the most ridiculous choices again and again and seems unable to think with any kind of logic. If he tries to clean our garage — which is like a cross between a junkyard and a toxic waste dump — he might find the car buffer, which would lead him to immediately go wax his truck, which would lead him to look inside the truck and decide to clean out the truck, where he might find a bill that’s overdue and he’ll end up sitting at his desk writing a check, having long forgotten that he was cleaning out the garage. His office is chaos, his truck is chaos, his business is chaos, and our life is not chaos only because I exhaust myself doing everything alone.
I’d been entertaining the idea that he’s just stupid and selfish and lazy and inconsiderate and then I read a description of adults with ADD that said, “They’re not stupid and selfish and lazy and inconsiderate. They need help.”
He’s willing to pursue treatment, but as with other changes in his life, it did not originate within himself but with my handing him the article and saying, “Look, maybe this is the problem.”
I’m not bucking for sainthood here. I was preparing to return to school, get my degree, get myself situated, and then get the hell out. I’ve been offering for the last year the appealing proposal that we find a duplex and live as a post-nuclear family — eating dinner together and sharing the parenting — just not sharing the living space. I don’t want other men — after 19 years of this, all I can think is, it’s too hard to get rid of the one I’ve got so, why the hell would I want another one? And I really don’t care if he entertains strippers and hookers all night as long as the kids don’t know.
I never wanted to look my boys in the face and say, “Your dad isn’t here because I can’t live with him. I know it makes you miserable, but hey, I’m happy.” I didn’t want to be the quitter, the bad guy — unless I had some proof of appalling behavior to hold up to people. It’s hard to explain to someone that you’re leaving your husband because of the condition of the garage.
People love this guy. He’s gregarious and funny. I guess I love him. I just wish he lived somewhere else.
He said to me last night when discussing getting treatment, “Well, part of this effort is going to have to come from you.” What I wanted to say was, “Fuck off!” Why is it my job to be the strong one who picks everyone up? Why is it when I went through a major depression I had to figure it all out on my own and seek treatment on my own and basically be completely responsible for myself and now, when he needs help, “Well, part of this effort is going to have to come from you.” Yeah, I know. It is. It is.
I don’t want to be my parents, still complaining and whining about my spouse and my miserable marriage after 40 years. But I’m almost halfway there, and I’m still complaining and whining about my miserable marriage. Will I regret breaking up my family, or will I regret choosing to continue a life in which I’ve never been happy?
Terri
Dear Terri,
I loved your letter. It is filled with bitter wit and acrid observation, and beneath that you obviously have a huge, huge heart.
Here’s what I think: I think you stay. I think you stay and see this through and look for ways to be happy within the world you have chosen. Within the world you have chosen, you do not have to whine and be miserable. You have these three children who are a great joy to you. And you have this man whom you do indeed love.
You do love this man but you’ve let him tax you to the limit. You need a vacation. You need a massage. You need a weekend at a spa. You need some flowers. You need a nice meal at a nice restaurant and to come home to find the garage cleaned out by your 14-year-old — with the help of the 8-year-old and maybe even the 4-year-old. You need everybody to pull together.
How do you get there? I’m not sure. But you have the three boys on your side, of that I am sure. And you obviously have a great deal of leverage. I’ll bet there are books on this. I’ll bet there are techniques you can use to unify your family, divide the labor, and get yourself some breathing room. Perhaps the duplex idea can work. At least it shows that you are being creative. If the duplex idea can’t work, you can devise other structures to insulate you from your husband’s crushing disorganization and lethargy while he struggles to overcome his ADD. The 4-year-old will be in school soon, and your options will widen as he gets older and more independent. Perhaps you can go back to school part time. And you can look forward to improvement in your husband. So you can have some hope.
If you can swing it, get some help into your life. Get some support from other over-stressed mothers. There’s a group for everybody, isn’t there?
The only thing I urge you to do is to try to stay together with your husband for the sake of the kids. I’m not morally or religiously against divorce, but my observation, and my own experience, is that it is often destabilizing to children in ways that we don’t fully understand and can’t fully cure. That’s a definite cost, and I think in many cases the cost is simply too high.
Wow, Terri, thank you for writing “my” letter. So strange, I was driving home tonight actually thinking about writing Cary with this very situation, then I sat down to Facebook and there was this letter. I, too, married at 21. I, too, fantasize a duplex as a solution, except I jokingly refer to it as the “East Wing and West Wing” solution. I too have seriously questioned if my husband was simply an imbecile and how could I have not seen it earlier? The only difference is that I am further along this path than the writer was; married 34 years now and the kids are 22-33.
Cary, your response is excellent. Yes, it means everything to keep the family together, even at great personal cost. I know my stability with their dad has been important to their beautiful development, and I would never forgive myself for knowingly hurting them. So, I’ve been in a very long, very difficult personal holding pattern, to the point of feeling cursed.
Now, the good news. 2 years ago, I unexpectedly started going to Al-Anon. Even though alcohol is not an issue in our life, the chaos that surrounds my husband was akin to the chaos he grew up with in an alcoholic home. My life was completely unmanageable; the constant work and the helplessness of living with him was killing me. I mentioned this to a chance acquaintance and she suggested Al-Anon.
I went, and I’m still going. I am learning to: (1) stop expecting my husband to be my higher power — an error I hadn’t realized I was committing, (2) learn to actually speak up (incredibly difficult for me to ask for things), (3) learn to direct others (still hard for me, but I know I must). There’s a profound loneliness that comes with seeing and accepting that (yet again) I have to do it all myself, because isn’t that what is causing my suffering? But in meetings I see that everyone is suffering from this loneliness, in one way or another. It is part of the human condition. We are mammals, and I am finding other ways to reach out to what I call the “puppy pack.” I’m also seeing that this can be used as a spiritual path — I’ve long said that “the only way out, is through,” and that’s the path I’m on.
Now, I was to talk practicalities, things I would give anything to have known earlier. #1 There are simple, brilliant systems to run your home and life (even with kids and ADD), and #2 YOU will have to start them. Once they are started, they can run themselves, but you have to be the engine that starts it. I kept following my husband’s lead, which was insanity. Instead I should have found a friend to work with, to encourage and coach each other in taking control of our own homes.
Two brilliant little systems I found are: Sidetracked Home Executives by Pam Young and Peggy Jones, and the MoneySmart Family System by Steve & Annette Economides. The first one helped me get clear on exactly what needed to be done, when, and how often. The second gave me the way to keep it going without having to nag (hint: everyone gets paid). Oh, and third: Unstuff Your Life by Andrew Mellon, which is the most simple how-to-organize book ever, and SO calming to read and practice. [Note– I am not affiliated with any of these authors, I just think their books are Godsends.]
I think what people in our situation have in common is not just the loneliness of living with chaotic, self-oriented husbands, but that we are temperamentally unsuited to take the reins. I learned this from Cesar Milan’s dog-training books, of all places. He said most dogs are not born pack leaders. and if they are forced into that position, it makes them neurotic. Bingo! I finally knew what was wrong with me! I was not a natural pack leader but was forced into it, no wonder I was always so insecure.
I’ll stop here, and hope this comment isn’t too long, but I felt compelled to share some practical details because they might make a difference for someone. Deeply appreciate your column, Cary. Thanks for everything.