Stuck in the house with the kids!

Dear Cary,

What is difficult for me and my husband is having our two quite loud and active boys with us the whole day, every day.

I have such a longing for being alone.

Here in Germany we are allowed to go outside, but not meet with other people who are not part of our household. I am very glad we have a forest very near. The kids and I go there daily. Also we have a small garden with a trampoline. So we are very fortunate I think, being able to enjoy spring and the very beautiful and warm weather outside.

It´s mostly me having them as he has to work (home office). But the little one (two years) is screaming a lot and the ten-year-old is also often frustrated. Me, too.

I wish I would get up early each day because when I do, it is great: having time for myself, before both boys talk all at once and my own thoughts disappear or I get totally confused with what I was going to do, being interrupted by the cries and shouting of one or both of them.

I don´t often manage to get up early, though.

I am rather an introvert needing a lot of time for myself. I don´t miss going out to parties or social events right now because I haven´t been doing this anyway. I am happiest if I can be at home or in nature, with a book or a course to listen to or in bed dreaming. And my kids are extroverts, I think, the older one saying anything out loud that comes to his mind, be it about star wars or some manga comic strip, be it just any play with words, or any stupidity. It makes me crazy.

But my sleep is often interrupted because the toddler wakes me up at night and maybe this is the reason that I don´t have the strength to stick to habits or routines I am trying to instill. Be it a meditation morning routine  or morning pages, or a gratefulness journal or deciding at what time we eat or go to bed.

Especially when I am tired instead of doing the 3 minutes of meditating, lately I just go to some stupid online newspaper of the sort that writes about accidents and stuff like that. And  I eat a lot of chocolate or drink a beer.

Any ideas?

Juli

Dear Juli,

I can feel your frustration. Many others will feel it, too.

So let me try to be of help. Let me suggest some actions you may take to clear some space for yourself.

First of all, you can give yourself more time alone in the morning by setting an alarm every night. (Every night!) This sounds easy but if it were easy you would already be doing it.

Negative thoughts may occur to you to prevent you from setting the alarm, like, Oh, I need more sleep, or, Oh, I don’t want to wake my husband, or Oh, I’m too tired to set the alarm.

Acknowledge any negative thoughts associated with setting the alarm. Thank the Spirit of Negative Associations for providing you with these negative associations.

Then set the alarm.

Set it for a really early time! Go for broke! Get up and enjoy all that predawn solitude! Of all the things you can do to gain more time for yourself, this one comes at the least cost. It is least likely to involve conflict with others, because it does not require anyone else to change. You can do this on your own. It can be your little secret.

However, you also need to talk with your husband, who is happily working away in his exalted Fortress of Wage-Earner Solitude: the home office! Oh, what a privilege to be the wage-earner with a home office, the one whose wishes must be granted because, without his wages, the entire family would be plunged into penury, starvation, homelessness and death!

Dare you challenge his exalted position?

Well, a little tact is required when opening the Pandora’s Box of gendered labor. I suggest you approach it as the only other adult in the household, as a fellow worker, as a coequal, a problem-solver.

Now, I assume you are German, as you are living in Germany, and I must say, as we are all witnessing in these days of the pandemic, it is a fine trait in the German character to avoid sentimentality and approach problems scientifically.

So to take the focus off yourself and your own feelings, cast the problem as one of routine and the need for order.

Think of all the things that you and your husband do to keep the household together. Look for necessary tasks that are best done alone. Perhaps they are unsafe for the children or it is too inconvenient to bring the children along on these tasks. Stress the necessity of these tasks, and why it is best that you perform them. Let your husband draw the inevitable conclusion: He must watch the children while you perform these tasks.

Actually, it will do him good to leave his home office and watch the kids while you trim the trees with a chainsaw. Or sandblast the basement. Or just do the shopping.

By the way: Don’t introverts get a raw deal? Consider this scenario:

“So, what are you doing tonight?”

“Oh, I’m really looking forward to not going out to a fabulous show with my wonderful friends and not eating in a great restaurant enjoying scintillating conversation and basically not talking to anyone but staying at home. Alone.”

“Oh you poor dear.”

“No, seriously, I can’t wait!”

“I know a good therapist …”

People don’t get it.

One more thing. Once you get the solitude you need, when you are home and the kids are doing what kids do: Take a moment to re-frame. Rather than fighting it, try to enjoy their anarchy, their pretzel logic, their absurd but colorful beliefs. Give yourself fully to these wonderful little beings, these strange small humans who remind us of our own beginnings. Surrender! Leave your world and enter into theirs. Be with them. Be there for them! You won’t regret it.