Dear Cary,
I miss writing and I miss playing the ukulele. When I was divorced and single, I made a life for myself by working, going to school, caring for my son and mom. I took weekly writing and music classes and I learned how to be completely independent. However, I missed being in a loving, close relationship to share life with.
Dating became like a part time job, but eventually I found my true soulmate, friend, lover and life companion, we married and we are very happy. The ‘however’ is that there is not enough time in the day between work, chores, being together AND doing all of the things I used to enjoy doing.
I miss writing and the ukulele, but I’m in love and enjoy every moment with my husband. It’s the kind of relationship that I’ve never experienced and only dreamed about.
He has encouraged me to continue to write and play music, but there are times that we’re so busy or engaged with each other that there is no time or energy left.
How can I fit it all in? Am I silly to miss the things I enjoy doing, or should I be grateful for my relationship and focus on that?
Do I grieve the artistic part of me and enjoy this time with my husband? I would appreciate any suggestions, Cary.
Sincerely,
Missing My Creative Self
Dear Missing My Creative Self,
There used to be empty moments that you would fill with pleasurable creative activities.
My guess is that the activities you miss were perceived as pastimes, not as necessary and essential. Yet you miss them. So they were more than pastimes. They were important to your well being. So they must work their way back into your life somehow. How? Perhaps by creating space for them via external conditions–invitations, scheduled events. Appointments with friends are one such avenue. Another is the realm of workshops and classes. Since workshops and classes are scheduled events, time must be made for them.
I have a friend in San Francisco, a very busy friend with an important, demanding full-time job who is married and has dogs. He also plays the ukulele. He goes to classes. They play in a group. That might work. I’m not sure exactly how he schedules it in but he and his wife make time for it. I imagine your husband would be understanding if you were to undertake such a class. As to writing, as you may know there are many writing workshops in which people write together.
But back to this unscheduled time that used to become spontaneously filled with the creative activity of the moment, which presumably would be chosen intuitively, not by prior arrangement. What of that time for dreaming and doing “nothing”? I’ll bet you miss that, too.
So I suggest two things. One, to get back into doing these things, schedule formal activities that require you to put them on your calendar, inform others about them, and show up at a certain time and participate with others. Schedule them so you are available for them. Then let the creativity take over.
Two (and this may be harder because those moments occurred spontaneously without your scheduling them): look for time in your life when you will be without obligations, and make a plan on how to use that time. Steer your life in the direction of those creative pursuits you used to enjoy. Don’t try to do it all at once. Think of it as gradual steering, adding ingredients one by one. Put the ukulele out somewhere where you can pick it up and just play it. Play it for a few minutes while alone in the house between activities. Also, keep a ukulele in the car. Likewise, keep a notebook handy, and keep a notebook in the car. Jot things down before getting out of the car. Pull over early when on your way to appointments and spend a few minutes alone in the car, jotting things down. Likewise when getting into the car after leaving an appointment, take advantage of those few minutes alone to jot in your notebook. Or play your ukulele. Or speak into your phone. If you have an iPhone, use the Voice Memos app to record your voice or use Notes to transcribe your voice into text notes. You’d be surprised how much text can be captured like this. Also, when leaving an appointment, if you find yourself automatically getting into the car, try getting out of the car and going somewhere pleasant to sit for a few minutes to dream or write or, if you are comfortable doing it, play your ukulele.
In other words: Get those old moments back! They mattered then and they matter now! I’m sure your husband would understand if you told him, but you don’t even have to tell him about them. You can have them all to yourself. These moments are yours!
Dear Cary –
You’re so lyrical and everything else that you are, it’s easy for me to lose sight of your genius. You’re a genius to the core. O! Look! You’ve got me writing!
New relationships change people. Old habits, ways of doing things can change too. A new interest or hobby may come along. I know I loved to paint and then I met my husband and then the children came and to be honest I lost interest in painting. I took lessons a year ago to try and recapture my interest but it didn’ t help. I think you could try taking classes in art and perhaps that might respark interest again or playing the ukulele in a group setting might help to. Perhaps taking up an altogether new interest with your husband like ballroom dancing might be fun and do the trick too. Good luck!
Just as you learned to remember to pursue your artistic dreams when you became single, you can now learn to pursue them as a member of a couple. Don’t give up. (I’m reminding myself of that too.) Great question and great response!
One comment about leaving a uke ( or guitar etc) in the car all the time — please don’t do this to an instrument you value — temperature extremes (especially heat) really ruin wooden instruments.
I really feel for the letter writer. It is very very difficult to go from spontaneous creative moments to scheduled ones. I haven’t found it possible. But perhaps a small road trip, with no agenda but to stop at every place where they want to stop, for whatever reason — to look at a flower, to jot a note, to sit in the shade and play music — might be helpful.
Good point.
I agree with you completely, Christine! Cary’s advice was spot on.
My partner and I had this experience when we met. We were so in love, there was no time for either of us to do some of what mattered to us, like photography, meditation, writing, reading, and just being by ourselves. We discussed and, as a result, instituted an alone-time schedule. After a few years, we took an even more radical step by each having our own bedroom. It has not impeded or diminished our great love affair one iota. It’s a sacrifice as we want to spend every moment together (still true after sixteen years). But it’s a sacrifice worth making and when we come back together, we have new things to share that enliven the relationship.
Excellent advice, Cary! The “problem” MISSING MY CREATIVE LIFE has is such a good one to have and it’s a reminder to all of us that we can’t let our creative lives go dormant. Your thoughtful advice was spot on, as always.
Cary Tennis, I love your advice. I’ve loved it for years and years, since I started reading your column in Salon. I’m so glad you’re back to it. It seems like one of those creative outlets that you were born to pursue. Along with all the other creative things you do.
Thanks, Christine, I’m glad I’m able to do it again. Glad you’re enjoying it! — CT