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Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, JUL 1, 2003
No one told me how disappointing and boring married life is!
Dear Cary,
I am a 34-year-old woman, married for about 14 months. If I had known how disappointing and boring marriage would be, I would never have done it. What is worse, is that all my married friends and siblings never really talked to me about the reality of married life — they all act as though I should have known. But really, I had no idea, and am bitter about not having a clue; I feel like I was tricked into something. (I had tried to postpone the marriage, and my husband took it so badly, I went ahead with it anyway. A big mistake, I now believe.)
My husband is the kind of guy I was supposed to marry — handsome, funny, ambitious. Loves my mom, and is very considerate to me. In some ways, I shouldn’t complain, except for the fact that I feel I am sleepwalking through my life. The depths of my quiet desperation are amazing to me, and are approximately 14 months old.
When we were dating, we always had fun; he made me feel sexy and attractive. He’s still very kind, but the sex has dropped off considerably. We don’t go out together much because he’s not interested in the things I am. I often go alone to plays or exhibits I want to see. I have tried to involve him, but really, I have married someone who is not my intellectual partner. He’s simply not interested in those things, and I feel as though he was duping me into believing he was. I have spoken to him about my unhappiness and he’s always attributed it to something else — living in a different city from family, not having enough friends, etc. But after developing new hobbies and friendships, I still feel the same dullness about my entire life, stemming from my primary relationship being so mundane. I’ve always been a happy-go-lucky, independent person, so I am bewildered as to the depths of my unhappiness now.
We are all taught that marriage is the natural culmination of all our efforts toward love, and yet, I know of no one who is happily married. I do know some miserable parents of toddlers, and some couples who bicker constantly. Perhaps they are happy. My parents have been married for 40 years, and don’t have sex anymore. I no longer suppose they are happy — just together out of habit by this point.
Perhaps I should mention that I began dating my husband after leaving an exciting but underpaid career for one that I enjoy, and pays better, but lacks the adventure quotient. My husband is very emotionally dependent on me, and would be crushed to learn that I am considering leaving him and starting over somewhere new. We don’t have any children and I feel that I could leave and begin again.
Please don’t tell me to try harder. I’m the one doing all the work to try to bring some stimulation into our relationship. He seems to think that all is well, despite my explanations to the contrary. How much boredom is one supposed to cope with as part of marriage? Am I just having a problem maturing? Is “lack of fun” grounds for a divorce? How do people do this? I had always wanted an extraordinary life. But from here, it is looking very long indeed.
Trapped in the Marriage Donut
Dear Trapped,
Madam, what you need is a divorce. You made a dumb mistake. It was an honest mistake, but it was dumb. Luckily, this isn’t the Middle Ages — not yet anyway. Get a divorce, and the sooner the better — while it’s still legal.
The divorce should free up some time for you to write the book. And then, after the book becomes a bestseller, you will have all the time you need to visit the museums and eat the lunches. In the book, if you just tell in, say, a couple of hundred pages what you just said to me, in more detail but with the same combination of dizzying naiveté and withering honesty, every married woman in the country will want to read it — aloud to her friends.
Of course marriage is sometimes as you say. But then, so is single life. Those of us who are married and plan to remain so have done it because the alternative is so much more frightening and bizarre — to be out there among all those dangerous, untethered people, randomly ranging on the urban prairie, unleashed from family and institution, neighing and pawing the ground as the sun sets every night: It’s sheer madness to contemplate singlehood. Many of us who are now married tried to remain happily free and single but could not bear that kind of happiness and freedom any longer.
As you say, the world offers so much in the way of books and music and entertainment! There is so much to do! But some of us also need security, comfort, routine, an ally, someone we can trust, someone who when encountered in the morning does not bark like a stranger raised by hyenas, someone whose allegiance is unquestioned, someone who has read some of the same books, someone who can buy toothpaste at Target when we run out, someone who is not an aunt or uncle or visiting graduate student at the nearby polytechnic institute: there are a million reasons to stay married, aside from the sheer madness of love, that is. It is hard to explain sometimes, especially when one is moody and inconsolable and wants to crawl around inside an apartment with all the drapes drawn for three or four days but there is this other person in the house to whom some explanation is owed for the unaccountable blankness of affect … there are times, of course, when the sheer lunacy of the arrangement strikes home with particular force.
Nonetheless, as marriage is a delicious and mad torment, so is life itself.
So get the divorce, free up some time and write the book. Call it, “If I had known how disappointing and boring marriage would be, I would never have done it.” Who could resist a title like that?
Madam, what you need is an adventure.
I don’t know why Cary thinks 20-something young men should get out of the house and explore the world, yet seems to lack empathy for a 30-something woman who feels the constrained by “buying toothpaste at Target.”
You, grow up and get out of the house.
You, grow up and get back inside.
A divorce isn’t necessarily a bad thing in this case, but I don’t think you are ready yet. Here is how I understand your story:
1. You gave up an exciting but unstable job that you loved for something safe.
2. You gave up dating, which is also an adventure, to be with your husband.
3. Your husband is emotionally dependent upon you, and you probably feel obligated to him. Likely, you are giving up opportunities to do exciting things to spend time with him.
None of these are bad in themselves, but it sounds like you have given up too much of what makes life worth it for you. You need to get back what you need. I think there are ways to explore doing this that don’t involve divorce. Where is there room to take on new challenges? Where can you push your limits? He may try to reign you in. You may reign yourself in unconsciously to please him. Don’t let that happen. A good therapist will help you reclaim you.
If you and your husband are truly ill matched, divorce is a better course than a lifetime of your misery. But if you simply need more adventure, see if you can find it while staying married.
” In the book, if you just tell in, say, a couple of hundred pages what you just said to me, in more detail but with the same combination of dizzying naiveté and withering honesty, every married woman in the country will want to read it — aloud to her friends.”
Brilliant!
5 unsatisfying relationships, 1 on its 12th year and continuing to get better and better. The difference: Compatibility in the areas of: life goals, core values, sensibilities and consciousness.
Hello? She’s unhappy now, she’ll probably be unhappy post divorce. Because she’s looking for someone else to make her happy, create her fun. What’s stopping her from going out to art shows and “smart people” events now? Spouses do not need to be joined at the hip. There’s no need to wear matching sweatshirts and go roller skating together. Nor is a spouse simply a safety blanket for those who fear to be alone. Sounds to me the person not trying is the letter writer.
This is exactly what I was thinking as I was reading the – she wants the same highs and excitement throughout the relationship that she got in the very beginning. But a good marriage is based on acceptance and dedication and her letter indicates that it is she who is missing that. It is not about stimulation. She wants to be entertained all of the time.
At the very least, your partner should have your back. This one doesn’t. He dismisses your concerns. He ignores your feelings. He’s happy, so that’s that.
You married him because you believed he was the kind of person you were “supposed” to marry. Who was doing all this supposing? Not you, apparently. Resolve that this will be the last time you direct your life according to other people’s suppositions.
And you married him because, when you expressed your honest doubts, he pressured you, and you caved. Resolve that this will be the last time you betray yourself under emotional coercion.
Note that he too married the person he thought he was supposed to marry. He obviously doesn’t know you any better than you knew him when you first got married; you just satisfied a majority of the line-items on a subconscious and unexamined checklist. The only difference is, he’s okay with that and you aren’t.
So I hope you didn’t get pregnant, and I hope you are now happily divorced. And if you are, I bet he’s already remarried, to someone who looks very much like you–on paper.
Great comment
I just had to reply, for the benefit of anyone who may be reading, including the original letter writer.
LW, you married the wrong person for you. There are many, many people out there who are “great” people–just like yourself. But that does not mean that any given “great” person is great for YOU (just like you are not ideal for just any other random person.)
If you don’t have anything in common, you can’t build a life together. Attraction IS a large part chemistry, but for a a true deep love to grow, there are other essential, non-negotiable factors–common interests, values, sense of humour, attitudes about politics, money, goals, children, etc.
I think you probably already know that; you just need “permission” to leave. I don’t always think divorce is the best answer. There are many questions you need to ask yourselves and eachother, of course, but I am presuming you are both intelligent, caring adults and are well aware of the options you have. The reason I am siding with Cary about leaving is that if that is going to happen, please do it before kids become part of the picture.
One last thing: there ARE marriages out there that are very different from what you are experiencing. There IS a person out there that you can build a true, loving (and exciting) married life with. There is also an equivalent partner for your husband. You two may both be “great” –just not right for each other.
I think marriage–like life– is a mixture of both “romance” AND “heavy lifting. The romance is the “glue” (or “icing on the cake?”) that makes the heavy lifting of life a lot easier, and a lot more fun. (And a lot of aspects of life do get heavier as you get older. I loved being single in my 20s, but I would hate to face life’s challenges on my own now.)
I’ve been married 15 years, and I love my husband more than words can say. We have similar as well as different interests, and we spend time together as well as doing our own things. We both feel very lucky to have found each other. However, we both had a few lousy relationships (like you, with people who were “great” but just not great for us) beforehand, so we were very clear on what we both wanted and needed before getting serious.
You need to set each other free, so you both can find the love that will fulfill you enough to build your (separate) futures on.