LISTEN! THIS ALL-NEW COLUMN IS NOW AVAILABLE AS A PODCAST ON SOUNDCLOUD! Dear Cary, My problem is that I hate rich people. I hate them but I am surrounded by them and have to get along with them. In fact I – and my future success – depend on them. But I despise them. The worst part is, I hate them and yet, I sort of want to be one of them, at least financially. I’m starting my...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, MAR 14, 2003 I love the man I live with, but he is completely lacking in table etiquette. I can even hear him chew! Dear Cary, I don’t even know if this qualifies as a “real problem,” but since I started reading your column way back when you took over for Mr. Blue, I’ve read some pretty wacky stuff, so here goes: I am in a relationship with a man for whom I care...
Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, JAN 27, 2005 Like a man waking up from a coma, I suddenly realize in my 40s: My life is a sad, painful, ugly ordeal! Dear Cary, This past year has been pretty painful. I feel that I have lived a failed life. About a year ago it was like I woke up from a long coma and for the first time clearly saw my life for what it has been. I started looking back on...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAY 30, 2007 He’s in and out of jail, he hardly works, and he always gets thrown out of where he’s staying. Dear Cary, I need some advice. I have a 30-year-old brother who has been in and out of jail and constantly needs my help. My mother and father are divorced and are alcoholics and cannot help him at all. I have built a life with my husband and two kids...
Cary’s classic column from Wednesday, MONDAY, FEB 7, 2005 I don’t even want him as a boyfriend anymore, but I sure don’t want her to have him! Dear Cary, My ex-boyfriend, who is now my best friend and roommate, is marrying a woman I can’t stand, and now all sorts of ugly, hidden emotions are bubbling to the surface. The details would give “My Best Friend’s Wedding” a run for its money, really...
Cary’s classic column from Wednesday, Aug 22, 2012 Is my friend out of control or are we still just having wild fun? Dear Cary, I think my dear friend is an alcoholic and a child in a grown woman’s body. But I don’t know how to help or deliver the soul-shaking wake-up call I think she deserves. We had made plans to hang out the other night. I thought we should walk to the bar section of...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, DEC 9, 2005 Dear Cary, When our two boys were small children, my husband was a very high-achieving alcoholic. He never lost his job, he never verbally or physically abused either the kids or me, he remained a good father, and he never alienated his friends or family. Indeed, to this day, no one other than me (and his treatment group participants and counselors)...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, AUG 14, 2007 I know I should concentrate on my own emotional health, but he says I’m special and he cares about me! Dear Cary, I recently ended a relationship with a boyfriend who was very violent and verbally abusive toward me. I am still trying to get over this relationship, in which I was psychologically traumatized. I went through a lot in that relationship...
Cary’s classic column from Wednesday, Jul 20, 2011 I thought I knew him. Then he loaded up his U-Haul Cary, I had a really boring suburban life for a long time, wishing that something would make it interesting. I had a good relationship with my family and I thought that my parents would stay together forever. Then we got hit with a hurricane. After the hurricane I spent a lot more time talking to...
Cary’s classic column fromTUESDAY, APR 19, 2011 I get in and I get out. How can I slow down? Dear Cary, I have always been good at quick relationships. Any time I have wanted a boyfriend, I just started flirting and it wouldn’t take long before someone would invest in me. Relationships could start overnight if I just acted perfect enough. But they didn’t mean much when the truth came out. My...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, APR 23, 2003 There’s a kind of girl I like, but I don’t seem to get anywhere with her because I don’t speak the “cool people” language. Dear Cary, It’s been about three years since I started messing around with the online personals, after a tough breakup. During that time there was a nine-month relationship with a girl I met through friends who was “nice” but...
Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, JAN 12, 2012 After 15 years, suddenly she’s moody and unreachable — and I think it’s her boyfriend’s fault Dear Cary, I’m sure you’ve had letters similar to mine, but I’m sure there are others who might benefit by knowing it’s not just them who’ve dealt with a toxic friendship in their lives. I’ve dated some toxic men; one who was a verbally and...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, SEP 25, 2009 I’m tired of fooling around with guys who just want one thing Dear Cary, I’m still single at 32 and hate it. I absolutely want to find and fall in love with a man I can spend the rest of my life with. The problem is, I keep ruining things by sleeping with men too soon, often right away. And each time I make this mistake, I am left even more...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, FEB 21, 2006 She says I must either accept the situation 100 percent or forget being maid of honor. Dear Cary, I have a very good friend who is getting married soon. She’s smart, funny, talented, beautiful and successful. We’ve been friends for about 12 years (since high school) and we’ve always had the label “best friends” on our relationship, although we’ve...
Cary’s classic column from Tuesday, Apr 23, 2013 People are saying untrue things about me for no apparent reason Dear Cary, A few months ago, I got a new supervisor at work. I was excited because this is someone I’ve known for years, and have even considered a mentor in the past. Unfortunately, I had a string of personal losses in the past few months — deaths and major illnesses of loved...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, AUG 9, 2005 We’d like to stay together, but I’m not sure I could handle the rift that would create. Dear Cary, I am a bright, personable woman in my late 20s who works full-time in a law firm and attends graduate school part-time. I am in love with a man who is a decade older than I am, a struggling musician and carpenter who has also found some very creative...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, AUG 22, 2008 02:50 AM PDT He thought he’d be returning home to die. But she just strung him along until he was gone. Dear Cary: My elderly father had been ill. After improving, he went directly from the hospital into a nursing home. We never told him he was never coming home. My mother said keeping up some sort of illusion of his eventual return was a way to...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, DEC 14, 2007 I seem to be OK on the outside, but inside … you don’t even want to know. Dear Cary, I have never written to an advice column before, and I chose you because although I sometimes disagree with your advice, I find I can never predict what that advice will be based on the advisee’s letter. Here’s my problem: I secretly hate myself. I know why...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, APR 8, 2003 I’m in love with a man who was abused by a priest. Dear Cary, I am a relatively successful American gay man in my late 30s who has recently begun to live and work in Brussels, Belgium. I love my life here and I am quite excited by the work I do. I worked very hard to get here, and in many ways, being here is the culmination of many things for me —...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, DEC 5, 2003 I’m involved with a woman who has a serious physical condition. Should I stay, even though it’s difficult? Dear Cary, I recently turned 31, and after a life of much less romantic and sexual success than I’d like, I’ve become involved with a wonderful woman. We’re a great match in terms of personality and interests. The problem is, she has a medical...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, JUL 13, 2007 I finally escaped the deadly web of small-town Southern life. But it keeps pulling on me! Dear Cary, My grandmother is dying. I grew up in the deep South, so of course, there are a lot of obligations that go with having a dying grandmother. Especially when said grandmother is a pillar of the community. Luckily for me, I live in Oregon, so I...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, APR 12, 2004 I am going to marry a man I love, but he says if I gain a lot of weight he might leave me. Dear Cary, I am engaged to a fantastic person. For the first time I feel I am with someone who loves me for who I am, and not for who they want me to be. He loves it all, the good and the ugly, and that leaves me feeling very at ease in this relationship. I...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUN 25, 2003 I view affection as a remedy for stress. My wife views the removal of all stress as a prerequisite to affection. Dear Cary, I have been married for eight years now and my love life is in dire straits. When I say “love life,” I mean the whole package, not just sex. Hugs, kisses, casual brushes, smiles, compliments. When I look back, I wonder if I...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, SEP 28, 2009 I tried to retrieve her photos from the Dumpster but they were gone! What have I done? Dear Cary, My girlfriend and I have been together for five years, and although the beginning was a bit rocky, things are great now. Our setbacks were mainly due to my commitment avoidance. So, we’ve been living together now for six months, and I’ve started to …...
Cary’s classic column from Monday, Aug 23, 2010 A tragic death among deeply close friends: Her burial was like a ghost town Dear Cary, I want to say, first of all, that I am so happy to hear of your recovery. I always look forward to reading your thoughtful responses to letters. I have, perhaps, many things I’d like to ask for advice about but for now I will get to the most pressing and...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, DEC 12, 2007 If we move in together, should I buy a safe? Hi Cary, I recently escaped a long-term (by today’s standards), abusive marriage. I’ve done remarkably well for myself, I think, and I feel like I have my shit together. I became reacquainted with an old friend about a year after my divorce, and we became a couple. He’s everything my ex was not: kind...
Cary’s classic column from Wednesday, Jan 28, 2004 Why was I the cat’s meow on the fifth date and a sex buddy by the sixth? Dear Cary, So it’s happening again: Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Gets boy’s number. Girl and boy begin dating. Boy sends all of the “very interested” signals. Girl responds in kind. Incredible sex. Eye-gazing. Natural feeling, intelligent conversation. Then the sixth...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, JUL 1, 2005 My problem is, I think I love my East Coast family more. Dear Cary, I’m hoping you can help with something that weighs on my mind a little heavier each day. I’m a 25-year-old professional woman, raised in Pennsylvania with four little brothers and sisters aged 18-23 whom I adore. A few years ago, I was working a post-college first job near my family...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, MAY 25, 2004 My boyfriend and I decided we could kiss other people, but he went further. What should I do? Dear Cary, I have been with the same man for more than six years. We met in high school, our relationship survived college and living together as recent grads. About six months ago, my boyfriend moved to another city, five hours away. The long-distance...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUL 15, 2009 My mother and my boyfriend want to tell me how many pills to take Dear Cary, When I was 18, I had my first kidney stone. I had lithotripsy for another at 19 and a very serious bacterial infection in my kidney in between. I am now 25, and have spent seven years with intermittent pain and urinary tract infections. In the past year, the pain has...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, JUN 8, 2010 My husband and my brother are estranged because of a business deal Dear Cary, Earlier this year, around the time of your cancer diagnosis, you wrote about letting go of a long-held resentment. I am particularly interested in this topic because of a family conflict that has gone on for years in an understated way. Whenever it interferes with my life...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JAN 14, 2004 I looked at my girlfriend’s text messages and found out she was in touch with an ex. Can we ever trust each other? Dear Cary, I have been in a relationship with a woman for a little over four months. In pretty much every respect, it has been absolutely incredible. We spend every night together, we share a lot of common interests, we are alike in...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, MAR 19, 2004 As you mature, are you more able to love and trust, or do you become bitter from the pain? Dear Cary, Do you think that people become more or less capable of love and trust as they grow older? I’ve thought about this often, both in the context of relationships I have been in and in general with respect to the human condition. Sometimes I think that...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, APR 28, 2004 I’ve been a wife for a week, but I already feel taken for granted. Dear Cary, Well, well, well, here I am, barely married a week. He’s the most kind, calm, sweet person I’ve ever met. Considerate, caring — you know, all those things for...
[button link=”mailto:[email protected]” newwindow=”yes”] Write for Advice[/button] Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, JUN 30, 2006 We’ve only been together 10 months, but I love her. Dear Cary, I’ve been reading your column for years, and appreciate all the honest advice you’ve given. I’ve thought of writing you before, but the problems seemed to resolve themselves...