Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, APR 21, 2008
I hate my job and hated my last job and feel like a failure. But is it my fault?
Dear Cary,
I find myself running in circles, around and around inside my head. I just started a new job and I despise it. Everyone was so excited for me to start, believing it to be that much-longed-for next step in my career. I’ve spent so many years sliding from industry to industry, trying on this hat and that hat, hoping for something that will fit just so. All of this has been to no avail.
I started the new job last week and quickly realized that it wasn’t for me. After hours of soul-searching and a long discussion with my boyfriend in which he played devil’s advocate I saw that I couldn’t do this job. I went through all the permutations of why I was uneasy with the job, sussing out whether it was nerves from being in a new environment or if it was the actual job itself. It was the pressure of getting that sale right then over the phone as well as the fact that I found the product (not to mention the sales method) shady at best.
My problem is, my last job I left because I couldn’t handle the pressure of having my bosses constantly down my throat, watching the cameras from home and picking apart every last thing that I’ve done.
In the discussions with my boyfriend last night I began to fear that I was finding excuses for leaving jobs with some pressure involved in them. Or if it was that I wasn’t in that right position for myself. Or if they really were bad jobs.
I spend so much time second-guessing myself that I no longer know what my real gut reaction is and why I’m having it. I think I’ve come up with the answer, but I’ve then become so paralyzed that I’m not sure what I’ve done and why I’ve done it. I’m lost in this sea of confusion that I don’t know how to swim out of.
A few months ago I made myself a promise to be kinder to myself, to find time to create a calm environment in the hopes that it would provide a clearer viewpoint. I promised myself that I would reconnect with myself and with my body and with my environment so I would be able to get and stay calm.
From when I was 13 to 22 I was battling depression, suicidal tendencies, panic attacks, general anxiety and recovering from a nervous breakdown I had when I was 18. I’m proud of where I am now, that I’m alive, smiling, and able to accept the love of my boyfriend and I’m able to give him my love back as well (which is quite something to say considering where I was at before).
I’m now 24 and I suppose much of what I’m going through is part of the aftermath of all that time just trying to heal myself enough to function. But all that time spent picking myself apart has left me with a bewildering sense of displacement. I wish I had some overarching idea of how I view myself and view the world around me. I really wish that I had some self-confidence that everything would be OK. Most of all I feel like a disappointment to myself and those around me. I’m that brilliant girl who could do anything but couldn’t get her act together. And I feel like I’m never going to pull it together. That I’m never going to be able to have a life that’s mine.
I’ve thought about running to some far-flung location to escape, I’ve thought about getting a cheap apartment somewhere, living quietly in a quiet home, with little contact with the outside world. I know that neither of those options fixes my problems; that they’re physical manifestations of what I emotionally want to do. As awesome as that all sounds, as much as I keep telling myself “you’re only 24, you’ve still got tons of time ahead of you,” I feel so much pressure that I’ve built up for myself, hurdles that I just can’t see myself vaulting. Where do I go from here? What do I do?
Wrapped and Confused
Dear Wrapped and Confused,
You are a rare individual. It is good to be rare. It is better to be rare than to be ordinary. And yet since you are rare, an ordinary job won’t do. You need a rare job. Rare jobs are hard to find.
Most jobs suck. When you were in school, didn’t you take MostJobsSuck 101? Most jobs will not bring you happiness. It may be that you will have to be an entrepreneur and create your own wealth.
You must assert your right to exist and to be as you are. You must assert your right to feel as you feel. You must say to yourself, If I don’t like this job, maybe it’s because this job totally sucks ass! Maybe that’s why! Maybe this country is going down the toilet and maybe that’s why I feel lost and alienated and afraid. Maybe I’m not the problem.
Try that, would you? Just try saying to yourself, I’m not the problem. I didn’t create this world. I didn’t make these rules. I didn’t come up with this asinine idea of bosses monitoring employees by video from home. It’s nonsense! I have a right — moreover, a duty! — not to participate in such nonsense. I’m better than that. I’m a free citizen in a democracy. I have some rights. I have a conscience. My conscience is outraged by this. No one should have to put up with it.
Try saying that to yourself. Try shouting it out loud. You are in a shitty situation. This job of yours sucks. Who says you should do this job? Let them find someone else. This job is not for you. Any job where the bosses watch you on video from their homes is a job in a totalitarian atmosphere. So if you fail at such a job it is perhaps because you value individual freedom and dignity.
So why do so many young people seem to think that the problem lies with them? The problem is not with you. The problem is that a lot of things in the world really suck. So try to enjoy your life. Don’t worry about succeeding. It is a sucker’s game. Until you can find something that you genuinely enjoy doing, do not assume that employers and institutions are on your side. They are not looking out for you. They are looking for suckers.
I fear for the individual lives of people in this country when it is permissible for employers to spy on employees at work from the comfort of home. That should not be permitted. It is an outrage.
So please do not turn your anger on yourself. Do not accept this. It is bullshit.
How does it happen that we are robbed of the ability to register our outrage? How does it happen that we turn this outrage inward when it should be directed toward the men who are doing this?
If I may vent just a little: I myself get great help from the psychological professions, and — as I was telling my therapist yesterday — I basically think everybody ought to be in therapy! Nonetheless, our social and economic struggles produce a proud pain, a noble pain, and this pain ought not to be medicated but celebrated. It sounds as though you treat your own pain as a sign that you are still ill. On the contrary, it may be a signal that you are healthy. You are fine. You just need to get out of there!
If you must work for money, for the time being, get any kind of job. Work in a coffee shop. Sell surfboards. Meanwhile, study money. You may be the kind of person who will never be happy in a job, being told what to do, what hours to keep, when to go to the bathroom and when to go to lunch. Study money. Learn how money works. Get your own.
And who are all these people you are supposedly disappointing, anyway? Stop living for them. You are God’s child, not their child. You are a child of the universe. You are made of the stars and the moon and the earth; you are a person, unique and unprecedented in human history.
You must assert this or they will take it away from you. Do not let them take this from you. It is not theirs to take. It is yours.
I love this: And who are all these people you are supposedly disappointing, anyway? Stop living for them. You are God’s child, not their child.
This morning, this perspective shot an arrow through my heart. In a good way! To all who would own us, we have to say: Sorry, I don’t belong to you. I don’t even belong to myself! I belong to the universe. That’s the only place to begin.
“Study money. Learn how money works. Get your own.”
I would love to do this Cary. Money has generally evaded me. Can you elaborate – how, where to start, a book to start with? Anything! Thanks.
I should add that my last relationship was with a wealthy man and I got the impression that you need money to make money.
Ella,
For the most basic, very introductory lessons on money and how we use it, I can’t recommend a better starting point than the book “Your Money or Your Life.” It’s been around for a few decades, and the most recent edition takes into account the economic crises of the last few years.
It’s not the kind of book that will teach you about mutual funds, investments, or things like that. It goes much more into the essential basics of how we trade our hours for different amounts of money, and how we have the freedom to spend our money where we get the most fulfullment, and to spend less on things that don’t really satisfy. Actual choices will vary with each person: some people will deeply desire, and want to work for, a home in the country that allows them to have a huge garden; others will recognize that they want/need something different, maybe a small apartment with no garden, and more moeny/time/access to city events.
The main theme of the book is: “It’s not what you make, it’s what you KEEP”–a reminder that we all have the RIGHT to decide for ourselves what our own priorities are. And, most interestingly, rarely are OUR truest, deepest needs and priorities the same as what advertisers want us to believe they are.
Some people do find the tone of the book a bit overly-earnest, maybe even a bit preachy, and some of the frugality tips may seem too extreme, too old-fashioned, or too “lefty” “earthy” or “new-agey.” (But you’re reading Cary Tennis, so I suspect you probably won’t mind.) Keep in mind that everything presented in the “lessons” (and they are lessons, just like you would do in a course; you do need to use a pencil, paper, and basic addition and subtraction) are ultimately suggestions and every reader is free to adjust, modify, or even reject an approach that just doesn’t work for them.) Don’t feel overwhelmed, just take it slow, page by page and savour some of the ideas before getting down to the nitty-gritty of organizing your money. (It’s a long-term, multi-year project, not a weekend task.)
I found this book to helped me completely re-evaluate my view of money, what I need it for (aka “WHY I work) how to take better care of it, and how to best think about which careers will provide me with truly fair compensation for my skills and time. Note that the book does NOT present a view that making lots of money is “bad,” but instead proposes that we must each find the right balance between the demands of a job and how little or how much we are paid–what does a job really “cost?” Again, each person must decide if a given job is “worth” their precious, valuable time. (I would wish that the original letter writer would read this book too.)
I’ve mentioned this book a few times in responses to Cary’s column–I hope he doesn’t mind one more plug. Honestly, I have no affiliation with the book other than having owned a few copies over the years. I believe it is published as some kind of non-profit venture; the authors do not make a lot of money from the sales. It’s just that it provides very different views on money than you will hear from banks, financial magazines, or investment salespeople.
Anyway, all I’ll add is that you should read the reviews on Amazon, and decide for yourself if you think it would be a good starting point for your money education. Once you get a deeper understanding of your own views of money, you’ll be better informed to start navigating the world of more complicated financial matters if you choose.
Good luck!
Cary, I always enjoy your anarchic viewpoint. I am 57 and have been self-employed all my life. It comes with its own stresses, but I get to preserve my dignity and autonomy; it’s worth it. LW, it’s hard to sort out what is depression and what is justified upset. Maybe, to sort through the confusion, you can write down how you feel the world should be (not how you should be) and look at that picture. Learn it by heart so that when real life deviates from it, you can see why you’re upset. I don’t think it’s anything to be proud of when people can live with so little dignity and honor, with so little praise and appreciation. It’s not something to be proud of when people can successfully numb themselves. The less you buy into consumerism, the more cheaply you can live, the less you have to sell out. Like Cary says, working for the man is for suckers. Be your own woman.