Dear Reader, Yesterday I texted an old friend and mentor in San Francisco, a person who has been dear to me, who has guided me through the spiritual wilderness into which I will occasionally wander in moments of loss or grief or fear. I texted him to get in touch, no big thing, it’s been a while, I’ve been living in Italy for over four years now, and the reply was, “Is this...
Dear Cary, I’m writing a book based on my day job where I have access to all kinds of sensitive information. It is about the parallels between criminals and business people and I’ve named it, “Everything I Know About Entrepreneurs I Learned from Drug Dealers.” I’ve been privy to a lot of behind-the-scenes situations including going on ride-alongs with various federal...
Dear reader, I’ve missed you. So I’m writing the Since You Asked column again. Remember the first one, October 17, 2001? My answer began like this: “We’re all on unfamiliar ground after Sept. 11.” So welcome back to the unfamiliar. Write to me. I need letters. Tell me your troubles. Don’t worry about the anonymity thing. I’ll never tell anybody. This first letter was a funny letter, so I’ve...
A classic column from TUESDAY, SEP 27, 2005 It’s political, it’s personal — I just wanna clobber the people in charge! Dear Cary, I have an emotional problem. I walk around with a rage inside me that I don’t know how to address. I fantasize about things that, were I to describe them to you, I would be visited by black-suited men at my apartment one night and, if not taken away, at least...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUL 7, 2004 I’m a healthy 26-year-old man and I’ve never had sex. Should I tell my girlfriend? Dear Cary, I’m a healthy 26-year-old male, normal in most ways physiologically and mentally. As far as I can tell, I’m a funny, bright guy people tend to gravitate toward, and I’m as sociable and interactive as anyone. I’ve never been especially big on the so-called...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAR 25, 2009 The groom said my husband is dead to him. The bride refused my package. Dear Cary, A good friend of mine invited my husband and me to her destination wedding. We were thrilled to be invited as she was a bridesmaid in our wedding, however, when we saw the price for four days we realized we couldn’t go. At her bridal shower, a mutual friend had...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, APR 24, 2007 I’m crazy in love with my two sisters’ five kids. I feel like helping to raise them would give my life meaning. Dear Cary, My younger sisters each recently had two babies apiece — two boys on one side, two girls on the other side. There’s also a fantastic 7-year-old in the mix. I have, quite frankly, fallen in love with these children. I am not a...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, MAR 4, 2005 I’m a middle child, abandoned by my eldest brother. Did I marry just for security? Dear Cary, I am the third of five children. My oldest brother, by six years, ran away from home repeatedly during his teenage years. When he finally reached adulthood he flew the coop for good. As far as I know, my parents weren’t abusive, irresponsible or neglectful...
Cary’s classic column from Monday, Apr 16, 2012 We’re 4,000 miles apart. He wants me to join him but I don’t want to sit around the house Dear Cary, I got married about three months ago to a man I truly love and respect. We are both doctorates in the same field in the sciences. We’ve always been long distance — we met in undergrad, seven years ago, but started dating only three years ago...
WEDNESDAY, AUG 1, 2007 Men in their 40s keep breaking up with me because they want to have a baby. How selfish. Dear Cary, The third relationship in a row has ended because the man I was dating suddenly decided he wants children of his own. I’m 47 and the men were about my age. All said at the start they wanted a serious, long-term relationship, then Boom! They love me but I’m too old. I’m not...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, SEP 27, 2011 Her husband died so I came to help. Now they act like I don’t exist Dear Mr. Tennis, I am a 65-year-old woman who has had a long and interesting life. During a particularly “interesting” time (think job loss, forced relocation, job search) I found myself estranged from my eldest child, a daughter 40 years of age, who had recently become part of a...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, AUG 19, 2003 It was long-distance magic. But look! It’s fading! And he won’t say what happened! Dear Cary, It was the day before two terrifying exams, and there I was — flipping back and forth between my spreadsheets and the personals. It was an online browse, so idle that I hadn’t even searched: I was just looking for men who were looking for women and who...
Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, APR 8, 2004 My boss is a nasty, sexist, arrogant man. How can I defend myself against his unreasonable behavior? Dear Cary, I hate my boss. He’s a horrible, old, mean, vain, nasty, sexist, arrogant man who yells and berates me and the rest of his staff constantly. I have a stomachache all day long while I’m working and often fantasize that he will die. There’s...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, JAN 13, 2009 If I marry, I get a 16-year-old who can barely take care of herself. Dear Cary, I’m 29 and my potential stepdaughter-to-be is 16. We live under the same roof, and it’s driving me crazy inside. Let’s rewind the story by six months to last July, when my boyfriend and I chanced upon a really nice flat with a magnificent sea view and decided to sort of...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, AUG 1, 2007 Men in their 40s keep breaking up with me because they want to have a baby. How selfish. Dear Cary, The third relationship in a row has ended because the man I was dating suddenly decided he wants children of his own. I’m 47 and the men were about my age. All said at the start they wanted a serious, long-term relationship, then Boom! They love me...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, NOV 4, 2005 My wife says returning home after college is the new normal — but if they return, I may have to leave. Dear Cary, I am 46 and the father of two children, ages 16 and 20 (juniors in college and high school, respectively). My wife and I married very young, had our kids a little earlier than expected, embraced it and made what we felt was the...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, SEP 26, 2008 I’m not real crazy about the idea. Should I be jealous? Dear Cary: I am writing to you because I need to hear an opinion from someone who does not already love me or think I’m amazing. I need objectivity, beautiful and philosophical objectivity. I have been dating a man (he’s 27, I’m 30) since January and we recently moved in together at his...
Cary’s classic column from Sunday, Mar 13, 2011 The man I love is deceiving his wife and I think she should know what kind of man she’s married to Dear Cary, I fell in love with an amazing, complicated man. He has a young child with an ex and he was living in the United States illegally. And he had a girlfriend. We became friends gently, over a long period of time. I’ve never had such an...
Cary’s classic column from Wednesday, Oct 26, 2011 Don’t get in my face! I’ve made enough compromises Dear Cary, I can’t do everything and I am pissed off that I can’t. I am also preemptively pissed off at your peanut gallery since they trend anti-artist and tend to take a sadistic glee in other people’s hard knocks. I just wanted to give them the middle finger before I get on with my letter...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAR 5, 2003 I am exhilarated by the chase, but once I catch the girl I lose interest. Dear Cary, I’ve realized slowly over the last few months that I am one of those guys who is exhilarated by the chase but disappointed by the prize. My relationships never last for more than a few months because I lose interest in the poor girls so quickly once they’ve been...
Cary’s classic column from Monday, Aug 12, 2013 I live with an awful history, and sometimes it is too much for me Dear Cary, I am writing with a problem that makes my heart physically ache. Let me briefly lay the groundwork first, and then I will present the problem. I was married for almost 20 years to a man who had three children from his first marriage. We had three more ourselves, and I...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, APR 19, 2006 I’ve uprooted myself over and over again in a short time. Now I don’t know where I belong. Dear Cary, Two and a half years ago, I left New York to move to Chicago to be close to my family. I was burnt out from working too hard and my mother had breast cancer. I telecommuted from home and attended a seminary at night on weekends. I was happy. My...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, FEB 29, 2008 I have two spaces and only one car — but that doesn’t mean you can just use my spot! Dear Cary, I’ve lived in the same condominium complex off and on since the mid-’80s. I live in my family home, which I bought from my mother when she recently remarried. For 20-odd years, my townhouse has been full of family members, but since I bought it a...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, AUG 4, 2008 I lied to shut them up but now I can hardly live with myself. Dear Cary, I need your advice on a problem of my own making. You see, I’m a liar: I’ve been lying to my parents, my sister and everyone I know, including my husband. I’m not lying about anything criminal or terribly immoral, but I have backed myself into a corner. I don’t have a college...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, SEP 24, 2007 I grew up dirt-poor, so I should be happy that my future husband has money, but I’m mad at him instead! Dear Cary, Hopefully you can help me sort out this weird contradiction inside me, which started shortly after becoming engaged. The man I am engaged to is everything I’ve always wanted to find, but after dating a long string of losers, I had...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, MAR 31, 2003 My family taught me to be an independent woman, but now they want me to find a man. Dear Cary, As a 32-year-old single female I have been told my whole life that I don’t need a man. I can be educated (I am), have a career (I am working on it) and own a home (I do). The importance of being independent was drilled into me from an early age and to be...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, JUL 17, 2006 He’s e-mailing an ex-girlfriend and chatting with strange women — and he gets defensive when I mention it. Dear Cary, I can’t tell if I’m paranoid or justified at this point, and maybe you won’t be able to tell, either, but I guess I just need someone else to think about this for a minute, because I’m exhausted. I’ve been married for 13 years...
Cary’s classic column from TUESDAY, JAN 10, 2012 Now I’m in an agony of guilt and my life will never be the same Dear Cary, I met a woman at work nine months ago. We clicked immediately but I refused her advances because she was married, to her second husband, in fact. After a few months, I could no longer resist the attraction. Immediately after we kissed, she told her husband they hadn’t...
Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, JUN 24, 2004 He pursued me, but then rejected me because my religion was “wrong.” Dear Cary, Do you think someone who is narrow-minded and bigoted can truly lead a happy and fulfilling life? And can this person be considered a “good” person if they are good in other ways? I went to an art exhibit/talk at a friend’s church. I was standing at the refreshment...
Cary’s classic column from FRIDAY, JUN 4, 2004 Can I stop him from going by pretending to come? Dear Cary, I am an attractive young woman who is married to a man I love and trust very much. I love sharing my life with my husband, coming home and telling stories of our day, cooking dinner together, going on trips together, laughing, bitching, cuddling, hiking, shopping, and having adventures...
Cary’s classic column from MONDAY, JUN 5, 2006 Uncle Danny shows up in his R.V. for four-month “visits,” gobbling up our food and paying nothing. Dear Cary, My husband and I are a professional couple in our mid-30s who have a house in a revitalized urban area in North Carolina. Since we moved into our house four years ago, my husband’s uncle — let’s call him Uncle Danny — has started visiting us...
Cary’s classic column from Friday, Feb 20, 2004 I’m in love with a siren who lured me and is now destroying me. Dear Cary, I have been involved with a woman for one and a half years. She is well mannered, dresses nicely, has style, is extremely intelligent, and is a stunning beauty. We also share many views on the world and, for example, an obsession with the same country that we would...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, JUL 23, 2008 I hate to lose my best college buddy, but her behavior is beyond the pale. Dear Cary, I am having problems with my friend (let’s call her Mary). Mary and I have been friends since college. We are in our early 30s now. Neither of us is married: Mary is completely single and I have a significant other. We have lived, traveled and partied together...
Cary’s classic column from WEDNESDAY, MAY 2, 2012 It was stupid, cruel and unsatisfying, and now I’m miserable Dear Cary, I really need you to tell me how to forgive myself, and how to carry on after I had an affair. I’m sorry if this ends up really long and please edit however you need to. Basically, I have been married for 15 years to a man who really is a fundamentally excellent person. We...
Cary’s classic column from THURSDAY, AUG 30, 2007 They thought the baby would fix things, but he didn’t, so the dad split. Does that mean he’s no good? Dear Cary, Early this year, one of the greatest bright spots in my life occurred: I became an uncle. After 10 years of bleak family moments, we all finally had a moment of renewal. My older brother called me (I’m an expat and haven’t actually seen...