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Is sex a “disgusting, wicked drive”?
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Dear reader, Sometimes a comment on a column can sound like a cry of agony, and a cry of agony can sound like a question. So today I respond to the below comment, posted on last week’s column. The author apparently read my 2006 Salon.com column on suicide which after 15 years still attracts fresh readers and comments. (The comments section is still open!) Ugly hunchback May 17, 2021 at 9:39...
Is my boyfriend cheating on me?
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Hi Cary, I have huge trust issues and it’s affecting my relationship with my partner of 3 years. My trust issues have stemmed from my childhood for many different reasons and to top it off, last year I found out my step dad had been abusing me. My partner has never given me a reason to not trust him. He says he has his morals and knows deep down he has never done anything wrong. His dad cheated...
My Mother the Narcissist
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Dear Cary, I hate my family of origin. I recently discovered that I grew up in a mostly narcissistic family, with a narc mother who subtly but persistently projected her own guilt and shame and anger about her situation onto us, her six children. During those childhood years, we – my siblings and I – felt so much compassion for her suffering. It seemed like almost overnight our...
I’m in love with a memory
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Dear Reader, I’m doing it again. I’m going long. In the past, in my blessed twelve years writing the advice column five days a week for Salon.com, the most commonly remarked-upon flaw in my work was my tendency to overwrite, to write long, to repeat myself, to go off on tangents (see what I mean?). My friend and mentor David Talbot, bless his soul, never gave me much trouble about it, perhaps...
Advice for Kids … by a Kid
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EPISODE 5 OF AANYA’S “THE INSIDE SCOOP”: the world’s only kid-run advice podcast for kids. Dear Reader, When you’re a kid, even a really smart, “advanced” kid, you’re basically defenseless against the warped, psycho, indecipherable, nutty, clichéd, reckless and indefensible advice you’re likely to get from adults. Like, “Don’t...
Are you at the end of your rope?
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Do you feel like life will never return to normal? Does the future seem like a dim, unending nightmare of isolation? Do you fear that the habits we have acquired will forever dampen the bright spontaneous spirit of social life? Does despair feel like the only realistic response to world conditions? I know many people feel this way. I myself, having survived the COVID-19 disease, having spent...
Serene in the noise of catastrophe
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How to balance our grief about the pandemic with the desire for happiness and normalcy? How to remain whole and vital and strong when the world seems to be falling apart? Where is the line between staying informed and obsessive news-watching? I ponder these things in this week’s podcast. If I were bodily able and living in the States, I think I would feel the need for action: volunteer at a...
Gratitude in a time of nightmare
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A short podcast for this Christmas Eve. I continue to heal. My wish for you, as we all endure the shocking tragedy unfolding before us, is that you can find a way to enjoy a little holiday spirit, and remain safe and protected in the days to come.–ct
I’m apathetic! I never get around to anything!
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Dear Cary, I used to read your Salon column religiously and was sad when it stopped. Frankly I had no idea you were still doing advice via your own website, so I am thrilled to have discovered this! I have a question about apathy. For years it has been my most loyal companion. I have dreams, visions, I have talents – all of which fall short because I simply do not get around to anything. Most...
No matter what!
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Dear Reader, Usually I write an advice column and then I make a podcast from it. But this week, what I needed to say was better just spoken. So … I’d ask you kindly to just listen to the podcast … Speaking of which … The Since You Asked podcast is now available on the following platforms that might be favorites of yours: Spotify Stitcher Podcast Addict Podchaser Deezer...
Is Fascism Coming? Should I leave the country?
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Dear Cary, I was born in San Francisco six decades ago. I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Loma Prieta earthquake and have been close to a couple of street shootings in SF and New York City. I’m not a nervous person by nature but I am full of fear and anxiety now. I couldn’t listen to the first presidential debate because I knew it would upset me too much and, with the...
I Hate Trump Supporters. Is that OK?
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Dear Reader, I heard the news this morning that President Trump and the first lady have been diagnosed with COVID-19, or SARS-CoV-2. I felt bad about the confluence of events but that is history in the making, so here’s the column which I began yesterday before the news and am finishing today after the news.–CT Hi Cary, So, the comedian and talk show host Bill Maher says that...
Why has success brought me only frustration?
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Dear Cary, I’m a long-time reader, since the Salon column, and a first-time writer. I’ve always appreciated your willingness to empathize with the people who write to you, observing the human condition alongside them rather than talking advice at them. It’s a beautiful thing to do. I’m writing about a frustration that no one I know–including my spouse, family, and...
Crippled by critique
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Dear Cary, After reading “The voice inside my head is being mean to me” I decided to write about a recent experience that has quietly devastated me. I went to art school in the eighties, where I fell in love with art. I was in a few shows and was well on my way to developing an identity as an actual working artist but then the student loans ran out and I had to learn how to survive in...
The Voice Inside My Head is Being Mean to Me
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Dear Cary, You get a lot of unusual letters so perhaps you will not be shocked to receive one from me. I know you quite well, well enough to know there are many things that you conceal from me. But rather than talk about my problem, as most of your letter writers do, I would rather like to talk about your problem. Or problems. I know you have them. And I am in a privileged position to know about...
I Miss Playing the Ukulele: Finding Moments of Creativity in a Newly Full Life
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Dear Cary, I miss writing and I miss playing the ukulele. When I was divorced and single, I made a life for myself by working, going to school, caring for my son and mom. I took weekly writing and music classes and I learned how to be completely independent. However, I missed being in a loving, close relationship to share life with. Dating became like a part time job, but eventually I found my...
Does Covid-19 Change Everything? i.e. OMG We’re All Gonna die!!!
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Dear Cary, What do you think about Covid and Black Lives Matter in terms of historical perspective? I think that the Black Death in the Middle Ages paved the way for the Renaissance. Is what we are going through (radical changes to social protocol) likely to result in a similar revolutionary change, and if so would future historians regard this change as a good or bad thing? Just Wondering Dear...
How do I find the father within?
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Dear Cary, I didn’t know who my father was until I was 44. The “father” I had was a man who married my mother when I was 2, and adopted me when I was 6. I found out at 14 that he wasn’t my father, but my mom still didn’t tell me about the real one. She made up yet another story, and that was all I had until age 44. The man I now refer to as my stepfather (although legally he was...
Help! I have a 17-year-old daughter!
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Dear Cary, I am a twice-divorced 54-year-old woman entrepreneur who supports herself through the practice of her craft. I have a 17-year-old daughter. She is bright, creative, articulate, sleeps a lot and talks to her friends and boyfriend on the phone, is an artist, cartoonist, and enjoys studying underwater hydrothermal vents. Senior year is around the corner and the world has gone mad – we...
Addendum to “I have a 17-year-old Daughter” …
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Dear “a Mom,” A few more things, less ordered and quasi-poetic. You say, “Time seems to be collapsing.” You also say that she sleeps a lot. It’s good that she sleeps a lot because this article refers to a study of almost 28,000 teens where researchers found that most of them were not getting the recommended nine hours a night. “The most important thing to remember is that your...
I’m so comfortable I feel guilty!
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Dear Cary, I’m feeling guilty these days about how comfortable my pandemic experience is. I mean, I feel the weight of the chaos going on, for sure. But my family is healthy, our home is comfortable, we can get groceries delivered, our income is steady, etc. I see other people struggling financially, and especially those fighting the good fight for justice, and I wonder why I lucked out while...
How do I tell people to put on a mask?
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Dear Cary, Why is it that when I tell people they need to wear a face mask, I’m the one who ends up feeling terrible? I don’t just go around willy-nilly telling this to any maskless person, although I have been known to speak up in supermarkets if someone gets too close or exposes his or her nose. But in my apartment building, where there are a lot of high risk people (including me)...
Covid-19 pandemic virus disaster anxiety disorder: I’ve got it bad!
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Dear Cary, I’ve been coping with an anxiety disorder for most of my life. I know and use many of the available tools: the meds, meditation, therapy, exercise, talks with good friends, chocolate chip cookies. Engagement in living in this minute, now. Random acts of kindness and shopping. For years I’ve managed, more or less. But This Minute Now is outstripping all my coping skills. This minute now...
I should have been a writer!
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Dear Cary, I remember an afternoon, during my senior year of college, in a tiny hamlet in upstate New York, sitting at my desk, and writing a paper for one of my classes. I do not remember the class, or the subject of the paper. I do remember tip-tap-typing away, focused, with open books lying about on the desk and floor, passages marked with pencil, fluorescent sticky notes protruding from pages...
Donald Trump’s Death Wish
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Dear reader, In Donald Trump, I see a man obsessed with death but unaware of his obsession with death. What clinched it was his recent rallies. They were literally invitations to infection. The life-affirming had become death-affirming, and the tragic gulf between Trump’s awareness and his actions was palpable. So I began to think about malignant narcissism and the death wish. I would love...
I’m a white guy but I’m not a bad guy
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Dear Cary, I am a 67-year-old bald white man who wears glasses. Recently, I’ve been around people who assume that because I look like Mitch McConnell, I think like Mitch McConnell. I don’t look THAT much like a GOP senator, but… you get the idea. It’s very sad to have spent a lot of my adult life working against racism and get lumped in with the KKK and the GOP. I...
Fifteen Other Columns that Mention the Book “Feeling Good” by Dr. David Burns, or, What Was I Thinking?
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Last Thursday’s column, “My Parents Don’t Like Me,” made me wonder: How many times have I recommended that book by David Burns in the past? Wow. The answer surprised me. So I put together this list. Though it sounds like I’m either obsessed or on the take, the truth is, that one book made a lasting impression, and, cognitive therapy turns out to be good for lots of...
My Parents Don’t Like Me
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Dear Cary, I am glad you started up again with Since You Asked, way over there in Italy. I hope Italy is not a sad place now, but it must be, a whole generation of grandparents has died off. This summer will be a season of national mourning for Italians; the Christmas season will feature so many families experiencing that first difficult holiday without their beloved parents and grandparents...
My husband is slowly killing himself
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Dear Cary, I feel helpless. My husband almost died two weeks ago. I coerced him to the ER at the last minute where he collapsed trying to get in the door. Once in there, he vomited so much blood all over me and all over the ER room that it looked like a crime scene. I didn’t realize he had been in pain for quite some time. He was diagnosed with an illness and spent a week in ICU, then...
Dog talk: Animal Communications Dept.
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Dear Cary, I met an animal communicator a few years ago, read the books she recommended on the subject, and was surprised to get verifiable results with several different creatures. (“Tell Carl I need my green ball, please,” and “The full moon is in three days.”) Now I am running out of things to talk about with my main communicatee, a dog. Do you have suggestions...
Quarantined at Dad’s deathbed: Too much loss all at once
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Dear Cary, Thanks for writing about grief. I’ve been grieving too, and any interpretation of grief helps me feel connected. I hope your lungs feel full of air for however you grieve. Telling stories or wailing that losses are always unfair or cycling uphill or laughing at a broken cup. I wonder what you think about change and upheaval. How do we put back together relationships strained by...
My friends talk my ear off and don’t listen to me
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Dear reader, After last week’s column about emotional pain and suicide I wanted to write a nice lighthearted column. So I looked for a nice, lighthearted letter like I used to get sometimes at Salon. Couldn’t find one. Just people in deep pain. All over the world, people in pain, uncomfortable, forced to change, give up routines, give up comforts, face fragility, precariousness, lack of...
Learning from pain (how not to kill yourself)
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Hi Cary, My name is Tremayne and I’m an 18-year-old from Queensland, Australia and I feel like I’ve hit the pinnacle of my depression. I used to be the most happy person in the world. Even when things went to shit I would always put on a smile (even during the COVID-19) and make a joke like nothing matters. I’m always prepared for anything and like life it drags me down when I...
Stuck in the house with the kids!
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Dear Cary, What is difficult for me and my husband is having our two quite loud and active boys with us the whole day, every day. I have such a longing for being alone. Here in Germany we are allowed to go outside, but not meet with other people who are not part of our household. I am very glad we have a forest very near. The kids and I go there daily. Also we have a small garden with a...